(fic) a warm light for all mankind (1/2)

[capnshellhead]

title: a warm light for all mankind (repost)

fandom: MCU, Captain America: the First Avenger AU

warnings: child abuse, internalized homophobia, spoiler tag --> <canonical Cap:TFA ending>

pairing: Steve/Tony

a/n: Honestly, posted because swanheart69 has been such a great supportive presence

Summary: Tony Stark spent his entire life in Howard's shadow. When the Star Spangled Singers visited the New York base to recruit for their upcoming USO tour, Tony got the chance of a lifetime.

1 | 2

 

Chapter One

 

 

Tony remembered her hands the most.

Maria’s hands were always soft and warm, sure as they tied scarves around her rather elegant neck and cupped his face for goodnight kisses. He always wondered if it was just another thing she’d been blessed with or if it was the result of the gloves she always wore. He’d wanted so desperately to be like her.

He’d watched her get ready for a show once. Benny Goodman and the Giants of Swing. A rarity for Howard to take her some place so grand without an ulterior motive but she’d been glad to go. She’d preferred classical but she loved to dance. Tony sat on the edge of the vanity and watched her line her eyes with kohl, plump her lashes with mascara and last of all, the bright red lip. He’d gazed in awe of her as she transformed herself from his mother into a 1930’s starlet.

She glanced over at him with a delighted laugh and gestured towards him. “Come here, beautiful.”

He’d leaned in and she took hold of his chin, he was safest here with the scent of her perfume all around him and her kind eyes gazing into his before they lowered. She carefully swept the lipstick over his bottom lip in short little strokes, careful to stay within the lines. He’d been so excited that she gave up on telling him to be still.

“There,” she’d whispered and pulled him to sit in her lap.

He’d looked at himself in the mirror, taking in the bright red lip and the rosy flush to his cheeks. Next to her, it was apparent that he’d taken after Howard but when she pressed her warm cheek to his, he could almost pretend. His hair was dark where hers was light, his cheeks chubby where hers were narrow but the eyes, those were the same.

“Pretty,” she’d murmured, her voice soft in his ear. A smile split his face, gazing up at her as she closed the tube and set it down. He’d watched her leave that night from his bedroom window, the lights washing over his wing of the house before they disappeared into the night.

+++++

Life after Maria was hard.

On Tony. On Jarvis. On Howard. Tony hid away, channeled his grief in books and inventions. Jarvis channeled his grief in taking care of Tony and the house. Howard channeled his grief into work and trying to keep up impressions. He didn’t have much patience for anything that didn’t fit. Including Tony.

He was ten years old when Howard caught him in one of Maria’s dresses. He’d climbed into the attic and found the boxes of her old gowns. He doesn’t remember now what lead him to bring one down and try it on but he remembered spinning around and around in circles watching the skirt flow around his ankles. Howard came in as he was admiring himself in the mirror and slapped him across the face.

He doesn’t quite remember if that was the first time he’d been afraid of his father. He remembered being aware that he needed to hide it. The servants came and boxed up Maria’s things for a charity auction. Jarvis patched him up, his mouth a thin line as he took Tony’s story about a tumble in the yard with a grain of salt.

Tony kept the lipstick. Hid it away at the bottom of a trunk in his closet. He thought Maria would have wanted him to have it.

+++++

When the war started, Tony had been enrolled in university. The draft pulled so many men out of classes that the university went on a permanent hiatus. Tony hadn’t been taken so Howard brought him along to the army base in Albany. He’d said that if Tony wasn’t going to serve on the front lines like a real man, he would help his country from the sidelines.

Which, to Howard, meant being a lab assistant and cleaning up after him. It meant correcting minor mistakes on blueprints, cleaning up the lab when Howard headed to the bar and carrying his father to bed when he passed out in the foyer of their quarters. Sometimes Jarvis helped but in between missions with Peggy and his life with Ana, he wasn’t around much. Tony understood; if he had a home to go back to, he wouldn’t waste time cleaning up after a drunk either.

It wasn’t all bad; sometimes Howard passed out early and Tony got the time to work on his own inventions. He experimented with polymers meant to withstand weapons of mass destruction and tried to apply them to bunkers and safe houses. Protective vests, flash grenades, devices meant to inhibit rather than kill. Even knowing Howard wouldn’t pay his inventions any attention, those nights where Tony had the lab to himself were the happiest in his life since his mother died.

Although, they didn’t make it any easier to ignore the war outside.

Every day there was some new story of the horrors going on overseas. The men Tony passed in the halls returned in body bags or not at all. The base took on more and more women to fill the spaces left behind by men. Some nights Tony went to bed plagued by Howard’s words and wondering if perhaps they were true. What kind of man hid away at home while the others went off to fight? What kind of man was he?

Certainly nothing like Captain America.

Every night, Tony hefted Howard’s arms over his shoulders and helped him to his bedroom. He passed the ever-growing collection of Howard’s photos alongside Captain America and Howling Commandos. The boy from Brooklyn who’d come from nothing and became something. The most honorable man Howard had ever met. His greatest creation.

The man Tony could never be.

+++++

As much as it pained him to hear, in great detail, all the ways in which he could never compete with Mr. Tall, Blonde and Humble, Tony had to admit that Captain America had turned the tide. The mood around the base was a little less bleak when he was around. Even Peggy spared a smile every now and then. Jarvis had more time for Tony as the army strategized how to employ their newest soldier and that meant Tony had someone to talk to for the first time in months.

He sat down on the arm of the couch as Jarvis scuttled about tidying up their quarters. He smiled, reminded of all the times he’d sat cross legged in the sitting room and watched Jarvis tidy up. He asked him about anything and everything under the sun and Jarvis, to his credit, never got bored.

“Is he nice?” Tony asked and Jarvis spared him a curious glance.

“Who?”

“Captain Spangly Pants.”

Jarvis stifled a laugh respectfully, “He is quite nice. Very brave.”

“So I hear,” Tony said. He chose his words carefully, “Howard thinks he’ll end the war.”

“I hope so,” Jarvis replied. He held the duster at his side, his voice soft, “It’s not an easy thing… war. It takes great men and turns them into killers. It takes families and leaves behind widows and orphans.”

“Was my father nicer before the war?” Tony asked his eyes caught on the stiffening of Jarvis’ back as he turned.

“No, Tony. I don’t believe he was.” Jarvis lowered his head and continued dusting. “I know it hasn’t been easy on you with me assisting Ms. Carter so often these days. You’ll let me know if I’m needed here, won’t you, my boy?”

Tony froze, “You like working in the field, Jarvis.” Tony didn’t blame him; it was frustrating sitting on the side lines.

Jarvis paused, set his duster down and came to stand before Tony. His eyes were soft and knowing, “Anthony Stark, you have and will always come first. Is that clear?”

Tony smiled, “I’m not a little kid anymore Jarvis. I’m twenty-one years old.”

Jarvis continued to stare at him expectantly, “Do we have an accord?” He waited until Tony sighed fondly and nodded. Satisfied, Jarvis returned to cleaning the mantel piece. “You know, you might introduce yourself the next time he comes to base.”

“Who? Captain Perfect?” Tony asked. Yeah, Howard would love that.

“Captain Rogers,” Jarvis corrected. “I should think he would be very impressed with your inventions.”

“Ideas, Jarvis,” Tony muttered, lowering his eyes. “They’re only ideas.”

+++++

Steve came back to a celebration.

They’d run out of solid leads on Schmidt’s whereabouts and his squad was in need of some real rest and relaxation. Which, for his men meant food, sex and sleep. For Steve, that meant trying to find something to keep himself busy. After getting Bucky back, he’d gone full tilt towards the next mission and the one after that, and the one after that. Steve didn’t do staying still very well. He never had. There was always the next mission, the next obstacle and with Schmidt out there, Steve wasn’t content to just wait around for the next lead.

They gave him a room and told him to ask for anything he needed. It confused him quite a bit. He’d been given more space than he knew what to do with and he didn’t have anything to put away. He’d been borrowing some of the squad’s clothes, a shirt or two form Bucky, some jeans from Gabe and a jacket from Dugan. He made do, still getting used to being so much larger than he was before. He felt it in the way people looked up to him now, the admiring glances. He felt no different on the inside.

Being around Peggy helped some. He was pleased to see she’d been given her own assignments. She often took Howard’s butler with her and she was gone nearly as much as Steve was these days. When she got back from a trip to California, she pulled him into a tight hug.

“How you holding up, Captain?” she asked, her eyes joyful and bright. She was a little tan, her lipstick pristine and red as ever. She was happy. Of course, she was; someone else had finally realized her value and stopped wasting her talents.

“I’m good. Really,” he added at her doubtful expression. “I’m just… not good at standing still.”

She shrugged, “Well, it’ll do you some good to rest up for a while. The base is going to be pretty busy for the next month or so. USO troupe is recruiting. They’re trying to hire on lab assistants. Howard chases a new one away every week now but there’s a new one that seems to have stuck. For now. We have Morita’s engagement party and then Dugan’s birthday is coming up.” Steve just stared at her during all of this and eventually she sighed. She reached up, her hands soft on his shoulders. “Try to relax and take a deep breath. Enjoy being still. You’ll miss it when you don’t have that luxury anymore.”

She spared him another smile and started towards the mess hall. Steve could follow her but he didn’t fancy joining the raucous crowd. Instead, he shuffled back to his room. He smiled kindly at the people he passed on the way: the women too shy to do more than wave and the men that didn’t fare much better.

Steve would never get used to this. He didn’t know how to be admired. He was so used to blending in the background, ignored and passed over for Bucky. He knew he looked different now but, inside, he was still a 5’4 with a series of ailments that made even the sternest of medics look to him with pity. Now, children ran up to him with comics for him to sign. Women gazed at him with adoration in their eyes. Men gave him respectful nods and tripped over themselves just to shake his hand.

At times, Steve wondered if they would treat him with such kind eyes if they knew what he was.

The ceiling was freshly painted; so fresh that it was hell on Steve’s newly heightened senses. He buried his nose in his arm and tried to ignore it. Tried to sleep but when he closed his eyes, he saw that Hydra agent choking to death on a cyanide capsule.

Someday he would have to ask himself why it was so hard for him to just be alone in the quiet. Someday he would have to ask himself what he planned to do when the war was over.

But those were problems for another day. As for now, Steve didn’t see an end in sight.

 

Chapter Two

Tony wasn’t sure why he was on edge that night.

After years of Howard’s drunken monologues, he thought he’d learned to tune them out but that night, he couldn’t brush them off. Howard started in on the shame Tony brought to their family for the hundredth time and Tony just thought to himself, would she have stayed this long?. The next thing he knew, Howard’s reddened, angry face was inches from his own, the smell of whiskey in the air as he breathed roughly. His eyes were bright and, this close, Tony could make out every line of color in his iris. Tony couldn’t remember the last time his father’s face had been that close to his own. When had he gotten so old? Howard’s hands clamped down painfully tight on Tony’s shoulders.

“What the hell did you say to me, boy?” he demanded.

Howard had been a looker years before; Tony knew this. That strong chin, sharp eyes, and broad shoulders. He’d stood taller then; more quick to laugh and charm where he was now more likely to find his sense of humor at the bottom of a gin bottle. Tony looked quite a bit like Howard and it was why he wore his hair longer. Tony had never wanted to look like his father. He’d never wanted to be Howard.

Instead, he’d inherited this role as Howard’s caretaker and he’d become his mother. Taking care of a monster.

“Nothing, Dad,” he said, forcing the words out. Howard held tight to his shoulders for a moment before he stepped back with a satisfied nod. Before he got far, Tony couldn’t keep from adding, “I wasn’t aware you paid attention to me.”

It earns him a backhand across the face, the signet ring leaving a gash on the corner of Tony’s mouth. Howard stumbled back, muttering to himself as Tony slumped down on the floor and watched Howard retreat. He pressed his fingertips to his lip and carefully got to his feet.

He started to leave the room when Howard called out to him, the ice in his glass clinking together as he spoke, “Don’t you have anything to say to me?”

Plenty, Tony thought but he was mostly just confused. He’d taken many of Howard’s punishments over the years for not being the man Howard wanted him to be but he didn’t know any other man that went to bed with bruises if he forgot to kiss his father goodnight. It rebelled against every instinct Tony had to make himself move in closer and press his lips to Howard’s grizzled cheek. He used to call himself brave for daring to get close to Howard despite his fear but he knows it wasn’t courage; it was weakness. Things were always worse for him if he didn’t cooperate.

“Goodnight, Dad,” he said clearly; always clearly because it was easier. Howard went back to his work, dismissing Tony completely.

Tony inherited this marriage. He was stuck in a life he’d never wanted with a man he despised. He backed out of the room and went to see about his face.

+

The thing about Peggy was she had a look.

It wasn’t particularly rude or dismissive, but a knowing one. A look that said “I think every word out of your mouth is a lie.”

She treated Tony with such a look as Jarvis stitched up his lip, despite his insistence that a butterfly bandage would suffice.

“Peggy,” Tony sighed, taking the glass of water she handed him. “It’s fine. I just tripped over some barbells.”

“I do wish you would take one of us with you when you go to the gym, Anthony,” Peggy said.

It pained Tony to lie to her but she would never leave the base if she knew the truth. And she would tell Jarvis, he’d feel guilty, and then both of them would put their lives on hold for him. He didn’t want that. If there was one thing Howard was right about, it was that there was a bigger war going on outside their doors.

How could he ask them to put that aside because he didn’t know how to handle an old man?

“How embarrassing. Would you like to hold my hand, too?” Tony asked with a fond eyeroll. It seemed to do the trick. Peggy shook her head with a soft smile.

“I have to look after you,” she said quietly, lowering her eyes briefly. “It’s not easy… living with Howard. Is it?” Her gaze was hesitant and somehow knowing all the same.

For one terrifying moment, Tony was sure she knew. She was looking at him with those wide brown eyes, her mouth twisted and he felt a chill travel down his spine. He must’ve given something away because she was leaning forward, her hand on his shoulder. Her brow furrowed in concern, heart pounding near out of his chest when there was a knock on the door.

Tony sat there, wide eyed as he studied him before the door sounded again. Tony leapt to his feet, averting his eyes as he slipped on his jacket. “I’ve got to get going.”

“Tony,” Peggy began, getting to her feet as he reached the door.

“Thanks, Peggy. See you around,” he murmured, whipping the door open.

A tall man tumbled into him, knocking him to the ground. Tony landed pretty roughly on his bottom, staring up at the man in annoyance, opening his mouth. Upon getting a better look at him, the words stuck in his throat. It was him.

Captain Perfect.

Tony’s mouth went dry as the man blushed beet red, blue eyes bright and apologetic. “Gosh, I’m terribly sorry.” He reached out a hand and Tony stared at it in confusion for a moment.

Even his fingers are perfect, Tony mused before the thought brought more warmth to his cheeks.

He took it and let Rogers pull him to his feet. He was tall, several inches taller than Tony who had topped out at 5’6 on a good day. His blonde lashes were near imperceptible as he lowered his eyes before gazing up at Tony bashfully. “Honestly, I’m sorry. I was leaning on the door like a idiot.”

Even his voice is perfect, Tony thought.

His eyes traced the lines of Tony’s face, the corner of his mouth turning up and Tony wondered if, like his father, Rogers was picking at every single one of his flaws. Then Rogers smiled that pristine, straight, perfectly white grin and Tony wasn’t sure if he hated him or if he wanted to kiss him. Maybe a mix of both. He settled for offering a wave and sliding past him and moving down the hall.

He heard Rogers’ voice, “The General needs to see you. Who was that, by the way?”

 

Steve watched the young man leave, unsure why his heart was beating so fast. His mind kept coming back to one word: beautiful. He shut that down as quickly as it came, even as his fingers longed for a pencil and his sketchpad. His face warmed as he returned to Peggy.

It was weird having a room on base. He was used to sleeping on the ground outside, or he’d grown used to it once he’d been taken off the tour. He didn’t miss the cushy beds and glitzy hotel rooms. Some nights, he missed the attention from the other women. He only had eyes for Peggy but amongst those women, he’d truly been able to be himself. They had no expectations of him. At one point, quite a few of the dancers had admired his new, muscular body but over time, they’d come to realize he just wasn’t interested and they never held it against him. They treated him like one of their own and it was nice.

Steve wasn’t all that used to being surrounded by men. His father had been a mean son of a bitch when he was alive and then he died when Steve was quite young. Aside from Bucky, Steve spent all his time with women. His mother before her death and after the draft started up, women came in to draw comics at the company he worked for. The war brought women into the workforce and Steve was more than welcoming. Perhaps the dancers latched onto him because they knew he wouldn’t treat them like pieces of meat?

Perhaps they latched onto him because they’d caught him sneaking glances at some of his fellow soldiers.

Looking was just looking; he told himself that almost enough to believe it.

Peggy frowned after the young man, her mouth a thin line. “What is it?” Steve asked, drawing her attention.

“You ever have a bad feeling but no real proof to support it?” she asked quietly. She looked to him with big brown eyes. It tugged on Steve’s heartstrings; he’d never seen her look so uncertain.

“It’s a gut feeling,” he replied. She nodded and he responded, “In my experience, you should listen to it.”

Peggy nodded, chewing on one bright red lip. “I think so. What did you come to see me about?”

++++++

“See, most rifles can only hold a finite number of bullets, so I thought, maybe if we created something else for close combat, you could conserve ammo,” Tony said hesitantly. He slid the blueprints over to his father, his heart pounding. “It doesn’t k-kill,” he said, cursing himself internally.

Howard hated stuttering; he considered it a sign of a lack of confidence. Tony always thought that interesting considering his father did his best to make sure Tony knew he wasn’t good enough.

“What good is a weapon that doesn’t kill, son?” Howard asked gruffly and the title stuns Tony for a moment. He stared at his father before he realized he’d been asked a question.

“It uh - it stuns them,” he answered mutedly.

In all honesty, Toy hated that his father was hellbent on building a fortune selling weaponry. He knew that they were necessary in the war and he knew what they were fighting for but it never sat well with him that he would inherit a fortune of blood money. He’d never say that; he tried to give Howard few reasons to get angry with him. Howard treated him with a blank stare and Tony froze, his blood running cold. He never knew how to read those. Howards’ ring glinted in the overhead light as Tony swallowed nervously.

“Intel,” he blurted out. “If you need intel, it could prove useful. It’s helpful. Or it could be.”

“I think it’s a wonderful idea,” Tony heard and Howard turned towards the source of the voice. Tony was too stiff to, holding still as Peggy entered the room. She greeted Tony with a warm smile and turned to Howard, a knowing look in her eye. “Perfect for covert missions. Can’t send the flag man everywhere,” she added gently.

She picked up the prototype and looked at the sloppily drawn blueprint. It had taken Tony weeks to draw up because he’d drawn and erased every line about five times. He knew Howard would pick it apart and it wasn’t like he got as much time to work on it as he would have liked in between being his father’s assistant and cleaning up after him when Jarvis was busy. Jarvis had taken up assisting Peggy in the field and Tony could not have been happier for him.

“Did you make this, Anthony?” she asked quietly and Tony blushed.

“Yes.” He eyed his father carefully before continuing, “It’s not quite finished but the prototype works. I’ve tested it.” Her brows rose, looking from him to the device. All the wires were visible; he hadn’t had the materials to make the outer covering but he’d made sure it was safe to handle.

“On what?” she asked and Tony knew better than to tell the truth.

“A practice dummy,” he said smoothly. “Just wanted to make sure the current could be directed and that it would work more than once without losing charge. It works, trust me.”

“Doubt it,” Howard said gruffly and gestured towards it. “Be my guest but if you want something that works, I’ve got your gear over there on that table.”

Peggy treated Tony with a bright grin and moved away. She pocketed the prototype and Tony would be lying if he said it didn’t fill him with pride.

He met his father’s eyes cautiously, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Howard studied him for a long time before he said, “There’s a party tonight for Dugan’s birthday. The whole base is going.”

Tony perked up for a second before he noticed the curl of Howard’s lip. “You think I’d let you come along? You think I want everyone knowing you’re my son? As if the 4F wasn’t shameful enough.” His mouth twisted in disgust, “No, I think you’ll stay here and clean up this mess.”

He snatched the blueprint and crumpled it up. It took everything in Tony to keep calm as Howard tossed it to the floor and stepped over it. He picked it up after Howard left, surprisingly relieved it was still fairly intact.

It had been a long time since he’d had a night to himself. He could do anything he wanted.

+++++

Steve wasn’t great a parties but he loved Dum Dum Dugan and he couldn’t turn down the invitation. Peggy would have killed him if he had so Steve dressed down a little and showed up. Bucky let him borrow a pair of jeans as he didn’t own any that fit him now. The noise from the bar was heard all the way down the block and the moment the door opened, Steve was engulfed in it.

Several hands reached out to touch his shoulders and arms, congratulating him for the last mission and cheering Dugan on. It was a bit much and Steve slid through as quickly and politely as possible as he tried to scout out a quiet table.

Peggy waved him down from the corner, a small knowing smile on her face. There was a woman with dark curls next to her and Steve nodded in greeting.

“Angie Martinelli,” she greeted, her hand nice and warm in his own. “Pleased to meet you. English has told me so much about you.”

“English?” Steve repeated with a smile and, if he didn’t know better, he’d say Peggy was blushing. “Steve Rogers,” he said.

“Dugan seems happy,” Peggy noted, nodding at where the redhead was dancing on the bar.

“Guy loves parties,” Steve said by way of explanation.

“So does Stark,” Angie added with a less than pleased tone. Steve frowned and turned to see Stark downing a glass of something and slamming it down on the counter with a brazen grin.

“Was he always like this?” Steve asked, turning to Peggy.

She frowned, “I don’t know. I’ve known him little longer than you have. I’ve heard he was nicer when he was married. His wife died a little over ten years ago.” She took a sip of her own drink modestly, clearly biding her words. “I don’t think marriage fixes anyone.”

“Sometimes a drunk is just a drunk,” Angie said quietly, her eyes guarded.

+

Tony heard the music first.

He’d been strolling through the empty halls and marveling at how different everything seemed when there were no people around. No one to hide from or get swept into uncomfortable conversation with. His father had wanted him to remain unseen and Tony did a good job of that.

Tonight, he moved through the halls silently until he heard muffled jazz music coming from a small room at the end of the hall. He moved towards it, recognizing the tune of “Oh Lady Be Good”. He smiled, following the sound to the cracked doorway.

“... six, seven, eight,” a voice counted off.

A group of ladies in loose clothing moved to the music in seemingly unorganized moves, more having fun than anything else. A blonde in the middle did a little can-can and the others cheered her on. The counter laughed and pulled her into a tango. She was a redhead with a bright red lip that reminded Tony of his mother’s favorite shade.

“Okay, okay, let’s get down to it. We’re short a few dancers and we need to make sure we can go on for our last show on base,” she said and moved to switch the record over.

Tony watched as the women got into formation, game faces on. Tony was ashamed to admit, he didn’t realize how much work went into these shows. The moves were fairly simple but in heels, on tempo and keeping every part of themselves as in line as possible… it was a lot harder than it looked. Tony found himself following along, feeling that long forgotten rush of adrenaline in his blood as he did.

He struggled, flat footed and a little off beat as he tried to mimic them. Even so, even awkward, it was fun. The music, the spectacle of it. It was everything he’d never been allowed to embrace and everything his mother would have loved. Anytime he found the instructor’s gaze drifting to the door, he slid out of sight and waited until it was safe to follow along again.

For a second, the one run through where he felt like he got it perfect, he smiled. And he imagined what it would be like to put on a show for real. To stand before a crowd and be seen. To be the focus and not hidden away like his father’s greatest shame.

For just a moment, he wished he could be one of them.

Then he heard shuffling footsteps down the hall and a loud voice call out, “Three cheers for Dugan, eh boys!”

Tony remembered where he was and moved quietly back to his quarters.

+

It was late when Steve dragged Howard back to his room. The others had offered to bring him back but Steve didn’t mind. He preferred Howard quiet some nights. He marched up to the door and then realized he didn’t know where Howard’s keys were. He could ask and pray Howard hadn’t passed out completely or bear the embarrassment of digging through his pockets.

Turns out, he needn’t have worried because the door opened on his own.

“Oh, it’s you,” a voice said and the door opened wider. “What are you doing here… right.”

Steve blinked, taking in the man standing before him. It was the same man he’d run into at Peggy’s quarters. He took in Howard’s form and sighed to himslef, stepping back. “Come in, then.”

Steve moved inside, taking in the man’s smaller stature, soft pants and t-shirt. He was dressed for bed and Steve had a few questions. He followed, carefully maneuvering Howard around the corners as he carried him to the back. Howard had a much larger room than Steve’s and it was dark as he made his way to Howard’s room. He laid Howard down and wondered if he should do anything to make him more comfortable.

The smaller man let out a sigh and moved in to pull off Howard’s jacket and shoes. He moved methodically, as though he’d done this a lot. He tossed the articles to the floor but, once he’d put the covers over Howard’s form, he moved hurriedly to organize them neatly in the closet.

“Are you his servant?” Steve asked because he knew of Jarvis but he didn’t know if Howard needed two servants.

The man laughs, “You could say that,” he murmured.

“S’my son,” they heard and Steve turned to see Howard turning over on his side. Steve blinked confusedly, turning to look at the smaller man. He was frozen in place, eyes wide in disbelief until he realized Steve was staring at him concernedly. He hurried to smile but it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

Steve didn’t know what to say so he didn’t say anything, moving out of the room into the living room. The man followed to walk him out, “So, he had fun tonight.”

“If you can call that fun,” Steve said dryly. He stopped in front of the door and took in the man standing before him in the dim lighting. Now that he knew, Steve could see the resemblance. He and Howard shared the same nose, jaw, and coloring. He appeared to be about Howard’s height. His eyes were his own; or maybe his mother’s. Steve couldn’t say. They were beautiful; a deep brown framed by long lashes.

If Steve was noticing this man’s beauty, did that mean he found Howard beautiful? He thought back to Howard’s drunken tumble from the bar and he knew that wasn’t true. This man may have inherited some of Howard’s looks but that was where the similarity stopped. His grace, the spark in his eyes and the timbre of his voice were all his own.

“Should I have taken him somewhere else?” Steve asked and the man gave Steve the first genuine smile of the night.

“No, but you’re the first to ask.” He shot a glance over his shoulder before returning to Steve.

“Have you been here since the beginning?” Steve asked, unsure of how he’d missed this man around base. There was no way Steve would forget a face like his.

“No,” he said quietly. “I came with Jarvis. Couldn’t join the war effort so here I am. I mostly help around the lab, take care of things around here. Jarvis is busier now. With real work,” he added so quietly that Steve nearly missed it.

“There was a party tonight,” Steve said awkwardly. It was only after the man stared at him pointedly that Steve realized how stupid that was to say. “I’m sorry. I’m… sorry.” How strange it was to watch someone else be left at home without an invitation.

“Not your fault, beautiful,” he said with a smile and it brought a warm flush to Steve’s cheeks. “You have fun?” he asked quietly and Steve thought for a moment.

Angie was lovely and Peggy had been witty as always. Together, they were a force to be reckoned with. Steve had been more than happy to sit down and let them share a few dances together. Not as happy as they’d been and it pained him to watch Angie rest her head on Peggy’s shoulder. The way Peggy gripped and regripped her hand, the way she held Angie like spun glass.

Now, in the quiet of this strange, haunted sitting room, Steve realized he hadn’t been pained because he’d missed his chance. The ache in his chest wasn’t heartbreak; it was jealousy.

Peggy had found her happiness and Steve never would. He lacked her confidence and the easy way she moved through crowds that would rather see her in a kitchen or a nursery. Peggy didn’t let others define her and Steve hadn’t mastered that.

He’d thought the serum would fix him and maybe one day it would.

But tonight, he’d sat in the back of a crowded room and felt more alone than ever.

“No,” Steve said quietly and treated the man with a small smile. “I didn’t but it was worth it to see everyone have a good night.”

“Oh, one of those types?” the man noted teasingly.

“What?” Steve asked, his mood lifting at the curious smirk he found there.

“The poignant speech types. Everything’s grand to you? Every song has some hidden meaning about life buried within it,” he explained. Steve laughed, nodding to himself. “You must be an artist.”

Steve shook his head. “No. Well, not really,” he corrected.

“What’s ‘not really’?” he asked and Steve was surprised to find that he wanted to tell him.

“I used to draw. Comics mostly, for the local paper.” He watched the man’s eyes light up.

“Yeah? That’s really cool.” He shuffled over to the coffee table and pulled up a paper. “Like this?”

He showed Steve the page and Steve laughed. “No, I didn’t draw Blondie but I drew stuff kinda like it. You like this one?” he asked, holding the paper up to the light. “I thought it was a little plain, don’t you think?”

The man bristled, his tone dry, “Do I detect a hint of jealousy?”

“It’s concern,” Steve said heavily. He met the man’s gaze steadily and added, “There’s better stuff out there, you know?” The man rolled his eyes with a soft laugh and it was nice. It warmed Steve to hear; even as he had the sense it was even rarer than Steve’s these days. “See, that sound you just made, that’s laughter. If you read some of my old stuff, you could make that sound all the time.”

He laughed again, a little louder and it made Steve feel lighter than he had in months. “Okay, okay, you’ll have to show me sometime.”

Steve’s face fell, “I, uh… Sorry, I don’t think I have any with me.” the man took in his face and shrugged, his smile kind.

“No harm, no foul. I’ll see what I can dig up.” He started to say more when there was a small thump from the back and then a groan. The man’s jaw tensed and he bit down on his lip. “Gotta go. See you, Blondie.”

He started towards the back and Steve watched him go.

I still don’t know your name.

Chapter Three

Steve was obvious.

He’d been told his entire life that he didn’t have much of a poker face. He wore his heart on his sleeve and he’d never been great at biting his tongue. He knew he wouldn’t make a great spy. However, he thought he could pull this off with relative ease. He’d been wrong.

He was a soldier. Okay, he was Captain America but he was a soldier first. He had every reason to stop by the Weapons Development Department and see how things were coming along. Sure, he hadn’t been back here since he’d received his shield but he had some free time and Bucky was getting on his nerves. Mainly because he was tired of Steve talking about visiting the Weapons Development Department and not actually doing it. He was sure Bucky thought Steve was trying to spend more time with Peggy there and he hadn’t had the heart to tell Bucky the truth.

Steve was a coward.

A coward that was currently watching the stranger sweep the floor and be his father’s sounding board. It was interesting watching them together. Steve didn’t know what a healthy father and son relationship looked like. He supposed they were all different depending on the men. Amongst two geniuses, it meant Howard hurling a spiel of scientific, technical terms at his son and getting nods of perfect understanding.

“Are you even listening to me?” Howard demanded at one point, rather harshly in Steve’s opinion but the stranger just nodded and recounted Howard’s words perfectly.

“You, uh - there’s a missed calculation on this page,” the man said and carried the broom over to the workstation.

He pulled out a blueprint and pointed to the corner, the broom crossed in front of him as he waited. He didn’t check where he was point, he was sure of himself but he still watched Howard’s face as though he was bracing for something. Howard stared at it, his eyes straining before he slid on a pair of glasses. He picked the page up and stared at it a moment long before nodding briefly.

“Nice catch,” he murmured. For one moment, one small moment, Steve saw the corner of the man’s mouth curl up, his eyes widening before he stepped back and returned to sweeping. Howard set the blueprint down and started to make changes. Then he noticed Steve and grinned widely. “Rogers! I didn’t hear you come in. Come, come closer.” He spared a look at his son before returning to Steve.

Steve watched confusedly as the man moved further back into the shadows. Clearing his throat, Steve asked, “Who is this?” rather pointedly. It earned a surprised look from the stranger before Howard brushed him off.

“No one, nobody. He’s my son.”

He took Steve’s shoulder and led him over to one of the other stations, far away from his son. Steve frowned but he went. He couldn’t very well explain that he’d come to stare at Howard’s son. He resigned himself to being shown all the clever things Howard created to kill others.

Howard eventually left for a moment, some kind of emergency and Steve waved off his concern. His pulse ticked up a bit, rather curiously as he watched Howard leave and he assured Howard that he would be fine alone for a while. Besides, he wanted to take a closer look at the vest Howard had made. Howard grinned and left Steve with the prototype.

Steve hadn’t been lying; he really was interested. The vest was made out of a similar material to his suit and it was nice to hold something made for protection rather than offense. The stranger came over, peering at the vest from around Steve’s shoulder.

“It won’t fit you, if that’s what you’re wondering. You’re bigger than most guys.” The words sent a flash of heat down Steve’s spine and when he turned, the man was eying him innocently. “Where’s your head right now?”

Steve hid a smile. “It’s a great idea. The vest, I mean. I don’t need one; my suit does the job.” He looked around the empty lab, “You guys work alone here?”

“Only on family weekend. Everyone else went off base to visit their families.” He leaned back against the table with a sad smile. “My family is here, so…”

“You don’t have anyone else?” Steve asked and it was hard to imagine what it was like to have Howard as his only family. It couldn’t be easy.

“My mother died when I was young so it’s just him. And Jarvis,” he added with a lighter tone. “What about you?”

“You’re asking about my family and I don’t even know your name,” Steve said.

The man cocked his head to the side, “You never asked.”

“Most people offer that during an introduction,” Steve said and the man rose a brow.

“I’m not most people,” he picked up his broom, “You heard him. I’m nobody.”

There was something there that made Steve feel like he was missing something. He got that feeling sometimes when he asked around and no one on base seemed to know anything about Howard’s son. He didn’t understand. He didn’t understand how someone with such light in their eyes had managed to escape everyone’s attention. Maybe, in Howard’s shadow, it was easier to hide. Thing was, it didn’t seem as though he was hiding by choice.

The man winced and covered his face, “I’m sorry. That was so whiny.”

He set the broom down and came over, his hands jittering. He took the vest from Steve, his fingers brushing Steve’s. Steve nearly dropped it, hurrying to catch it as the man took it with a smile. He lifted it over his head and started to fasten it. It was then that Steve noticed that the man wasn’t short, per say; although, everyone appeared that way to Steve. He was smaller than Bucky but he wouldn’t have been out of place on a battlefield. Steve wonders why he wasn’t on active duty. And if he was serving in this department, why was he sweeping and not working?

He can’t quite fasten the clasp on his left side and Steve moved in to help. He nearly flinched at first before Steve slowed his hands. The man brushed a lock of hair behind his ear and spared a smile in apology. “Sorry, not used to other people. Sorry,” he said again.

Steve was careful, painstakingly so as he fastened it and stepped back. He couldn’t resist tracing his eyes over the lines of the smaller man’s form. He was thin; thinner than Steve expected as he laid his hands on his hips.

He turned to the side and gave Steve a teasing set of bedroom eyes, smiling when Steve flustered a little. “See, it fits normal sized men. I’m working on a way to make them fit everyone. Including women but I haven’t had time to - I haven’t had time.”

Steve sat on the edge of the table and watched the man test he fit. He was so animated; his eyes focused, his hands, his body, constantly moving. Steve could tell by the look on his face that he was miles away, already processing ways to improve it.

“You invent things?” Steve asked and received a cautious nod.

“I do.” His eyes cut to the doorway and then back to Steve. “My father doesn’t always lis- have time to look them over. Sometimes, Peggy stops by and checks them out. She likes them,” he added with a dash of pride.

It made Steve smile. Then Steve watched his face fall with confusion. “What?”

His gaze fell to Steve’s chest, “Nothing. I just… you know, if you wanted to know my name, you could have just asked.” His tone was just shy of biting and Steve didn’t understand, “You don’t have to pretend you hadn’t met me.”

Steve wasn’t sure where he’d messed up, “I’m sorry. I thought - well, I didn’t know if you wanted him to know.”

“Why is that?” he asked, looking at Steve head on.

“Just… he acts like he wouldn’t be happy to see you talking to-”

“Captain Perfect?”

“Guys like me,” Steve finished, his brain catching up to what the man said. “Excuse me?”

“If you’re embarrassed, don’t be. He would have just assumed I helped carry him in when he got drunk.”

“Embarrassed? What are you talking about?” Steve asked, severely off kilter. He held up a hand, “Wait, wait, all I wanted was to know your name.”

The man started to reply but then bit his tongue, “Okay, okay, you’re right. I’m - sorry, I can’t seem to stop apologizing around you.”

He started to pull at the clasps on the vest and Steve wanted to help but he wasn’t sure it would be welcome. The man managed and when he pulled it over his head, his shirt lifted up and Steve got a look at purple, mottled skin on his hip. Frowning, Steve started to ask but the man was speaking over him.

“Tony. I’m Tony.”

He noticed Steve staring at him and froze. It was minute, enough that most people would’ve looked it over but it was enough for Steve to know he knew exactly what Steve had seen.

“Have you got that looked at?”

“It’s nothing,” he said, dropping the vest on the counter. “I slipped in the gym.”

“It looks really painful,” Steve said and received a smile that didn’t quite reach the man’s eyes.

“I’m twenty-one years old. I know when to go to the doctor.” He shook his head and left the room. Steve watched him leave, confused yet again.

Tony. His name was Tony.

+++++

Steve made a habit of stopping by the Weapons department.

Howard wasn’t always there and Tony was usually kinder, more confident when he wasn’t. Steve had more free time than he knew what to do with these days and he found that spending it with Tony not only made it pass faster, it was nice. Tony was so different from anyone else Steve had ever met. He told dry jokes, the kind Steve was prone to making before and, at times, they’d catch themselves finishing each other’s punchlines. Tony was thoughtful: most of the things he worked on when he was alone were anticipating the needs of everyone on the base, not just the soldiers. And Tony was an enigma. Around his father, and just about everyone else, he was a shadow. Kept close to walls and only spoke when spoken to.

But around Steve… around Steve, he was a bright light of clever chaos, furtive smiles and soft words just for Steve. He had an endless supply of nicknames and endearments, all intended to make Steve smile or blush ridiculously. He remembered everything Steve said, even when he thought Tony wasn’t listening to him. He bickered with Steve, made fun of him and treated him like his title didn’t mean much of anything.

Steve may be Captain America, but with Tony, he was just Steve. Steve who didn’t know half the songs Tony sung on the radio. Steve who couldn’t dance to save his life. Steve who told the corniest jokes Tony had ever heard. Steve who often found himself in the Weapons Development lab after hours just to tell them.

One morning, Steve stopped by with two mugs of coffee and Tony looked at him like he was a literal god. He took the mug and drank nearly half of it in one go with an obscene moan. Steve’s face warmed and he couldn’t keep his eyes off of the pleasure on Tony’s face.

“Oh, I’m keeping you,” he said afterwards and Steve nearly melted.

“That’s gonna be difficult,” Steve said when he’d regained use of his speech. “I’m technically property of the US government.”

Tony eyed him skeptically and hopped up on the countertop. “That won’t do. I don’t share.”

Steve blushed, leaning over to take a look at some of the drawings. “It’s what I signed up for, right?”

Tony hummed, leaning back on his hands. “I never understood that. How you could sign your life away to a bunch of strangers.”

“Some of us didn’t have a choice. I chose to serve.”

Tony eyed him slyly, “And why did you?”

Steve blinked up at him curiously. He’d been asked this question several times and he gave the same answer every time but now, looking at the one person who seemed genuinely curious about it, he came up empty. “My father served.”

“And you wanted to be like dear old dad?”

Steve thought about broken glass, shouting and hiding beneath the kitchen table. He averted his gaze, “No,” he said quietly. “He wasn’t a nice man.”

Frowning, Tony changed course, “Then why? You wanted to show him up?”

“I don’t like bullies,” Steve said. “I wanted to help people. Isn’t that why you’re here?”

“I don’t have a say in the matter.” He flashed a grim smile, “Were it up to me, I’d be back at school working on a way to stop this war and the next. But here I am.” He picked up his mug and added, “With you.”

“It’s not all bad, is it?” Steve asked.

He knew very well how bleak the world outside was at the moment. How the success of a mission could mean the difference between a village going hungry and surviving the winter. He’d seen that truth up close and it made him all the more desperate to end this war but, here, in this moment, he felt calm for the first time in weeks.

Tony’s brows rose, “Look at you fishing for compliments.” Eyes alit, he set the mug down and pointed to a screwdriver past Steve’s shoulder. “Hand me that, gorgeous.”

Steve blushed, complying eagerly. Tony picked up what looked like a watch and started tinkering with it. He popped the face open and slid the screwdriver in his mouth. The bulbous end parted his lips softly, lashes fluttering as he focused. It was distracting, indecently distracting as Steve watched his lips part and he clamped down on the handle with his teeth.

The last bit was quite jarring and not at all enticing. Steve stood up a little too quickly and upended his mug over his shirt.

Tony pulled the screwdriver out and barely managed to cover a laugh with his hand. Steve gazed at him, his heart ticking up. It was near worth ruining a perfectly good shirt to hear him so happy.

“That was hot, you know?” he muttered and Tony quieted.

“I’m sorry,” he said with a grin. He pointed to a cabinet in the corner. “There are some clothes in there. You can change.”

He returned to the wristwatch, his attention elsewhere so Steve figured he was okay to change here. He pulled his shirt over his head, careful to keep the wet stain away from his face. He bundled it in a ball and set it down as he reached in to pull out an old t-shirt.

“You know, if you’re interested,” he began, pulling the clean shirt over his head. “You could come watch the weapon’s demonstrations. Nothing as extravagant as this stuff, of course.” He turned to see Tony very pointedly not looking at him. “What?” he asked.

“Nothing, I’m just…” Tony trailed off, a light brushing of red across his nose as he spoke. Steve hid a smile and returned to the workstation.

“It’s not all bad, is it?” Steve teased and Tony glared at him lightly. He reached behind him and handed Steve the watch, his gaze averted briefly.

Steve took it curiously, “I have a watch, you know?”

Tony grinned, reaching out to fasten it around Steve’s wrist. His hands were surprisingly soft and warm, sending sparks across Steve’s skin. “You’ve never had a watch like this,” he said softly. He slid the loop in and pet the watch face. “It’s a homing beacon. If you get lost, we can find you. Someday, I’ll use this tech to add a communicator but that’s all for today.”

Steve blinked down at it in surprise. It looked like a normal watch by first glance. “You can find me? Wherever I am?”

“Wherever you are,” Tony confirmed, his words soft. Steve looked up, his eyes warm and Tony’s widened in surprise. He cleared his throat, his cheeks reddening as he said, “I’m sure you have somewhere to be.”

Steve nearly bristled but, and he couldn’t explain how, he knew Tony hadn’t meant it rudely. Steve grabbed his soiled shirt and started for the door, his tone warm as he said, “See you around, Tony.”

+++++

“This is not my fault!” Tony shouted, rushing through the lab with the fire extinguisher in hand.

Steve stopped in the doorway, assessing the situation. The fire in the corner of the room, Tony’s panicked face and the scorch marks along the wall. He set his bag down on a table and hurried forward, taking another extinguisher from the wall and rushing in to help. Together they put the fire out and Steve slumped down with a smile.

Tony wiped his face, his hair sticking to his cheeks as he breathed. He looked to Steve, a brief second passing before he started laughing. Steve wasn’t quite sure why but he found himself joining in, leaning against the workstation.

“Who’s fault was it?” he asked after some time and Tony shook his head with a grin.

“I may have had the fire turned up too high,” he admitted. “I got distracted working on another project and kind of forgot about it.”

He took in the scorch marks with a wince, “I’m going to have to figure out a way to paint.”

Steve followed his gaze and shrugged, standing up straighter. “I’ll help.” He returned his bag and tossed it at Tony. Tony took it with a curious look, “I got that for you,” Steve said.

Tony opened it and pulled out a cherry pastry, his eyes wide with wonder. He looked to Steve in awe, making his stomach twist in pleasure. “Where did you…?”

“The guys went through the city for a bit and I asked them to bring some back. I remember you said you liked them,” he said quietly, his face warming. Tony averted his eyes, leaning back against the workstation shyly and, all at once, Steve felt sick.

It was just a pastry. That was all. Tony had mentioned that his mother used to take him to the city to get them when he was younger. Just a passing mention during a much longer conversation. Nothing a normal person would’ve latched on to.

But Steve had because Tony so rarely smiled and he had when telling Steve that story. Steve had filed it away because it was important to Tony and he cared.

It was an incredibly personal gift and Steve hadn’t thought twice about giving it because he’d wanted to make Tony happy. And in his attempt, he’d only succeeded in making Tony incredibly uncomfortable.

His eyes warmed, his hands clenching nervously. He should leave. Maybe if he left now, Tony would just write it off as something a friend would do. He should leave.

He swallowed, starting to make an excuse when he felt Tony touch his hand. He looked up, his eyes wide as Tony licked his lips and leaned in. His arms came around Steve’s back as he pulled him into a hug. Steve stiffened, his heart beating fast in his chest before he forced himself to relax.

He caught the scent of Tony’ sweet shampoo, the scent of smoke and copper in the air. It was an odd mix but it was pleasant. Because it was Tony’s. Steve swallowed and hugged him back, carefully not to squeeze too tightly.

When Tony pulled back, he said, “Thank you,” and bit into the pastry. He smiled, licking the frosting off of his upper lip and murmuring, “I’m sorry, I’m just not used to people… doing nice things for me.”

Steve’s stomach twisted, watching as Tony kept his gaze to the floor. Steve cleared his throat, “I’m happy to.” He gestured for the door, “I’ll get the paint.”

+++++

Steve made a habit of dropping by the lab when he got back from a mission. If Howard was there, he stayed long enough to wave and move on. If he wasn’t, Steve stopped in to say a proper greeting and catch up. And, if he was being honest, he’d admit that it was nice to be fussed over. Not that Tony would let him hear the end of it, if he called it that.

But what other term was there?

When he’d first come back to get his armor mended, it was due to a bullet grazing his shoulder. Tony had been enthused to see him until he heard what happened and demanded Steve get checked out first. He fixed the sleeve him himself and berated Steve the entire time.

Steve remembered watching Tony shoot him light glares, a pin in his mouth as he muttered, “I thought you were supposed to be good at this, Blondie,” his brows furrowed in concern.

A twisted ankle earned sympathy and hot chocolate and a knife wound got a lecture and candy from Peggy’s secret stash. A concussion earned a soft rendition of “I’ll Never Smile Again”, sung to Steve from his bedside with a threat of Tony returning to sing to him every day as a punishment. Steve didn’t understand it; he sounded quite wonderful, to Steve’s ears. To an outsider, it looked a lot like Tony was playing nursemaid but Steve had been treated by nursemaids and none of them used such clever methods to dissuade him from reckless behavior.

When Steve awoke after a trip overseas, Tony was sitting by his bedside, his hands clasped together. He’d lie when asked but Steve knew he was worried. He sat up, feeling bandages pull tight across his chest. Tony’s eyes widened with relief, his voice soft. “You know, if you don’t want to hang out with me, there are easier ways to avoid me.”

Steve laughed and instantly regretted it as his ribs pulled, a vice grip around his chest. Tony rushed forward with a pained expression. “Sorry. Taped ribs are ever fun,” he said.

Steve took a careful breath and lay back, still a little groggy, “How long was I out?”

“A day,” Tony replied. “Or three,” he added. He looked tired, his clothes rumpled and bags underneath his eyes. Beneath that, he seemed almost hesitant to be here. He kept his gaze firmly on Steve’s chest, a shyness Steve believed he’d lost in the few months they’d grown closer.

“You were here the whole time?”

“Well, one of the nurses is pretty cute,” he said with a quirk in the corner of his mouth. It gave Steve pause and he wasn’t sure why; most men weren’t made wrong the way he was. Tony pulled a cart over and poured some water into a glass. “So, that meant Bucky camped out here and I wanted to give Isla a break. You’ll forgive me. I’m cuter anyway,” he added with a smile.

Steve rolled his eyes fondly, pushing down his relief. Tony handed him the water and sat down.

“Thanks,” Steve murmured, looking around. They were alone save for a man sleeping at the other end of the room and a few nurses at the nurses’ station. When he returned to Tony, he was studying Steve quietly beneath his lashes. “I’m okay.”

“I know that,” Tony said frustratedly. He looked around the room for a moment, pointedly avoiding Steve. “You know what it’s like to watch people go off and not know if they’re going to come back.”

Steve nodded, although it wasn’t a question. “Of course, I do.”

“It’s awful,” Tony said and Steve watched his eyes lower, his lashes fanning out over his cheeks, his body strung tight like a wire.

He was struck with the urge to reach out and take Tony’s hand. It was crazy; he knew that but he’d never wanted anything more. He swallowed the urge and gripped the bedsheets instead.

“I don’t want to do that anymore,” Tony said roughly.

Steve froze, his heart beating faster. “What are you saying?” His eyes ate up every inch of Tony’s face, what he could see anyway, chest pained with fear. “You’re not talking about leaving, are you?”

It was a quiet moment before Tony looked to him, his eyes soft, “I’m not built for this. I’m not a soldier, Steve. I watch you leave and I don’t know if you’ll ever come back. Any of you,” he added, distancing himself.

“There’s a war outside,” Steve said, his tone harsher than he meant it to be. “We don’t have a choice.”

“I do,” Tony said simply and stood. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

He hesitated before dropping his hand on Steve’s shoulder. Then he left the med bay.

 

Chapter Four

“Should you be out of bed?” Tony asked, hurrying to help Steve over to a chair. He’d shown up in the lab as soon as he was discharged, relieved to see that Howard was elsewhere at the moment. He wanted to talk to Tony alone.

“No reason to keep me there,” Steve said plainly. He eyed Tony carefully, having not seen him since their argument. He looked well, if a little tired. Except, “What happened to your wrist?”

Tony blinked at him before lowering his eyes to the bandage. “Sprain,” he answered softly. “Accident in the gym.”

Steve frowned, “Did you-”

“Get it looked at? No, sir,” Tony replied with a smile that made Steve’s insides melt. “I’ll be sure to do that tonight.”

“Should you be handling machinery if you’re injured?” Steve asked and Tony huffed out a laugh, though Steve wasn’t sure what he’d found amusing.

“I can manage.” He propped himself up on the table next to Steve, chewing on his lip nervously. “About what I said… I didn’t mean to make it sound like it was your fault.” He averted his eyes, “I know you can’t control anything that happens out there.”

“I know,” Steve replied eagerly, trying to soothe the discomfort roiling within him. “I shouldn’t have made light of it.”

“You didn’t,” Tony said softly.

“I did, and I know I can be a little headstrong sometimes,” he began.

“You’re really not. I’m the stubborn one. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you-”

“I like that you share that stuff with me-”

“Can you let me apologize?” Tony blurted out suddenly, louder than Steve had ever heard him speak. It seemed to surprise Tony, as well, his eyes wide. “Sorry,” he said softly and Steve found himself laughing.

“Okay, okay,” he said. “Go ahead.”

“I’m sorry-”

“Apology accepted,” Steve interjected. Tony glared at him lightly and threw a piece of candy at him. Steve took it and finally took note of what Tony was doing. “You’re working on another suit?”

“Yep,” Tony said absently. It looked a little too boxy for Steve’s tastes and he said so. “Well, honey, my world doesn’t revolve around you.”

Steve’s face warmed and he wondered if he’d ever stop hearing comments like that and making a fool of himself. “Who’s it for?”

“No one. Not yet anyway,” he replied.

Steve shuffled through a few of the blueprints spread out on the table when his eyes were drawn to one on the corner. He pulled it closer, eyes widening.

“Is that a plane?” he asked and Tony beamed, the sight making Steve’s heart flip over in his chest. “Tony!” he exclaimed, leaning in to get a better look. “This is amazing.”

“I don’t know if it’ll actually work but it’s an idea.” He leaned in, the smell of lavender in Steve’s nose as Tony’s hair brushed his nose. “Everyone’s plane has a weakness: unsustainable fuel. Someday, I hope to make a plane that doesn’t require fuel.”

“Really?” Steve asked wondrously, resting on his elbows. Tony’s face moved in closer to his, eyes alit.

His lashes fanned out over his cheeks as he studied the print for a moment. He really is beautiful, Steve mused, his heart beating faster. When Tony’s gaze returned to him, his words were soft, “It’s a pipe dream.”

He blinked, eyes tracing Steve’s face as he whispered, “You don’t really believe that.”

Tony’s eyes fell to his mouth briefly, returning to Steve’s before they ultimately closed. Steve found himself leaning in, his breath catching, stomach tightening in anticipation.

“What’s going on in here?”

Tony jerked back, fearful as he turned to see who had spoken. Peggy was studying a pistol on a far table, her tone rather unconcerned. Steve was breathing hard, looking from Tony to Peggy and then lowering his gaze to the table.

Tony spoke first, running a nervous hand through his hair. “Nothing, just showing Cap one of my failed ideas.”

Steve watched Peggy shaker her head as she headed over, her heels clicking across the floor. Steve’s heart began to pound, his mind running through a series of possibilities. Each of them made him freeze in place, his gaze resolutely avoiding Tony at the moment lest he make it worse.

“I’d quite like to see that. I’ve never seen one of your ideas fail,” Peggy said with a wink for Tony. It earned a hesitant but proud smile. “It would be a novel sight if I ever saw one.”

Tony picked up his broom and moved away, leaving Steve with Peggy. She studied the plans for a moment before her eyes cut to Tony in the corner. Her voice was low, “I’d like to speak with you.”

“Peggy,” he began but she had already started towards the door.

“Anthony, tell your father General Waylon is looking for him. Would you mind if I steal your Captain for a moment?” she asked.

Tony blushed and nodded eagerly, “Be my guest.”

 

Steve followed her back to her room and waited for her to lock the door. He sat down on the couch, running a hand through his hair as he watched her pace quietly.

Then she stopped, crossing her arms over her chest, “That boy is one of my closest friends.”

Boy? “Tony?”

“He’s not much younger than me but I look out for him. Jarvis looks out for him.” She eyed Steve expectantly. When he didn’t speak, she asked, “Have you anything to say for yourself?”

Steve lowered his eyes, clasping his hands together and clearly uncomfortable. “It’s not… what you think.” He thought over his words carefully, “I didn’t think he-”

Peggy spun on him, her voice raising, “Exactly! You didn’t think.” She came to stand in front of him, her volume lowering. “The difference between a quiet corner in a bar full of drunks and a bright room with an open door. Steve,” she said imploringly, her eyes wide.

Steve nodded, lowering his head, “I didn’t think.”

Peggy stared at him for quite some time before she sat down next to him, the scent of her perfume in his nose. “Anyone could have seen. Howard could have seen.” Steve nodded, his stomach twisting painfully. She sighed and laid her arm over his shoulders, pulling him closer. “Come on then.”

He rested his head on her shoulder, his eyes warm as he whispered, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not me you have to apologize to. You realize I don’t think any differently of you. I know you had feelings for me. This doesn’t cheapen that.”

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” he said quietly and Peggy stiffened.

She pulled back enough to see his face, her voice stern. “Nothing is wrong with you. This doesn’t change who you are. No more than that serum Howard cooked up for you.” She kissed his cheek. “He’s a sweet boy.”

“Is he? He seems to get his kicks making my life difficult,” he said fondly.

“He must like you, then,” she added.

Steve smiled, “He’s a terror. I can’t think around him,” he admitted. Peggy nodded, her cheek pressed to the top of his head. “I can’t figure out why he’s here.”

Peggy hummed, “His… role is quite beneath him, I’ll admit. He’s brilliant. Maybe even smarter than Howard but he won’t give Tony a chance.” She pulled away and reached for a nearby drawer. Reaching in, she pulled out a small round device. She opened it and showed Steve a glowing ball of… something.

“What is it?”

“I don’t know,” she replied with a soft tone. “Tony built this for me when he was sixteen. It’s some sort of light. It’s never gone out, in all the years I’ve had it. I feared it would catch fire if I put it in with my luggage but it never has. Go on. Touch it,” she insisted.

Steve reached over and carefully touched his fingertip to the glass covering. “Cold,” he said wondrously.

“Cold,” she repeated. “He gave it to me when Howard wasn’t looking. Said he had no use for it but I might. He wanted me to have it.”

A light that never went out. It was simple and yet one of the most beautiful things Steve had ever seen. A blue light encased in metal, cold to the touch yet warmer the longer Steve held onto it. He could only think of Tony’s face that night in his quarters. The way Steve had worked his way up to earning that first shy smile; the light in his eyes.

He laughed softly, earning a curious grin. “What is it?” Peggy asked and Steve smiled to himself.

“He was right about me, is all,” he said.

He watched Peggy tuck the light away and put it back in the drawer. “He wants to build things that don’t hurt people.” Her brow furrowed in doubt, “In this business, in our time, it’s not logical.”

“Sounds nice,” Steve replied softly. A pause, “Are you going to tell-”

“Howard? No, I don’t see why he needs to know.”

She stood and stretched her arms over her head. Her hair slid over her shoulders, her silhouette as timeless as ever. Peggy had always been beautiful; she would always be beautiful to him. She turned to him, her words stern, “You’re a smart man, Captain Rogers. I trust we won’t need to have this conversation again.”

+++++

Some days, Tony wished his father would stop having the arguments over and over again.

“Must be nice to have a son to be proud of,” his father said, his speech slurred. He was on drink number seven, so he’d started late tonight. “Those men out there are fighting for their lives while you stay here and clean.”

“I know, Dad,” he said, throwing away the empty bottles. The garbage can rattled as they joined the others and Tony wonders how the base was able to secure an endless supply of whiskey.

“I thought you’d take after me, but you’ve taken after your mother.” He took another long sip. “Maybe you’d be better suited as a war bride? Huh? Make some man out there very happy,” he finished gruffly.

Tony froze, his skin flushing warm as his stomach twisted violently. Peggy hadn’t told; he was sure of that. She wouldn’t; not knowing the kind of trouble he could get in. And there was no way Steve had told. Unless he was so wracked with guilt that he had to come clean. Tony’s hands started to shake and he hid them behind his back.

“At least then you’d be useful,” Howard added.

Tony flinched, biting his tongue as his father’s eyes traced his face. “I wondered why you wear your hair like that,” he said, pointing at Tony. “Almost like she did,” he added, getting lost in thought for a moment. Tony started to rear back when Howard pointed towards him again, “No man wears his hair like that.”

“Well, I’m not a man. You’ve made that perfectly clear,” Tony said dryly and instantly regretted it.

Howard stood, stumbling to his feet and striding forward. It puts Tony’s back against the wall and he felt his stomach turn. If Tony wanted to make a run for it, he’d have to go through Howard. Hadn’t he learned his lesson? He should never let Howard get a rise out of him when he was blocking the exit.

Howard set his glass down, hands clenched like he was gearing for a fight. “I told the truth. My son,” he said with a grim smile. “My son, the 4F. Couldn’t go off to serve like a real man because of his weak heart.” He jabbed his finger into Tony’s chest and Tony swallowed, his nerves getting the best of him. He stood there frozen, watching Howard closely. “You didn’t get that from me.”

He gripped Tony’s chin, tilting his head up, eyes flashing and certain, “You got that brain from me. Not that you could ever make anything worth looking at. Carter humors you but she knows the truth.” Tony swallowed, his eyes warming as Howard shoved his face to the side and let go. “Pathetic.”

Tony flinched, stomach tightening. What would she think? He wondered. If she could see her son now… would she hate him just as much?

“And where are you, Dad?” Tony asked hoarsely.

Howard started back towards the table, his hands shaking. “What did you say to me?”

“Where are you?” Tony asked, wiping at his face. “You’re not out there. You don’t have a gun or - or a uniform. You don’t have a rank; you’re not on the front lines. You’re right where I am.” Howard stalked closer and Tony couldn’t make himself take it back. It never helped before and it wouldn’t help now. “What kind of man does that make you?”

He saw it coming. Didn’t give him time to avoid it as Howard’s fist connected, pain exploding along the side of his face. His vision fuzzed out as he bit through his lip, tasting blood as Howard hit him again. He felt Howard kneel over him and braced himself.

He heard himself say, “My face” in warning. It gave Howard pause before his stomach exploded in pain.

Howard muttered, “Clean this mess up.” He grabbed his bottle and left the room.

+++++

Steve wasn’t avoiding Tony.

He told himself that. He told Bucky and Peggy that. Angie was the only one that called him out. She visited the base as often as she could get away with and Steve enjoyed it, if only because it made Peggy as close to flustered as she ever got. Angie stole some of Peggy’s food and stared him down.

“If you’re not avoiding him, why tell us that?” she asked. “No one asked but you felt the need to make sure we knew,” she said with a teasing smile.

Steve frowned, “I’m just… I have no need to go by the department.”

“And you won’t find any because Tony hasn’t been there in weeks,” Bucky said, dropping down next to them. He stole Steve’s sandwich and took a bite of it. At Steve’s glare, he shrugged. “I’m hungry.”

“You passed a lot of food on your way to the table,” Steve replied and then he processed what Bucky had said. “What do you mean a few weeks?” he asked, guilt setting in.

Was Tony avoiding the lab because of what Steve did? Was he so uncomfortable that he’d been afraid to go back in case Steve showed up? He’d thought it was mutual, he’d been so sure of it but…

What if Tony hadn’t wanted any of it? What if he’d just wanted to be Steve’s friend, because he wasn’t like Steve? What if he hadn’t been made wrong and Steve had scared him away from the lab? He’d been shy enough as it was before he’d met Steve and Steve had made him uncomfortable in one of the few places Tony felt safe and secure of himself. He’d ruined the one thing that made Tony happy.

Steve was bigger now. What if Tony had been afraid to tell him to back off. If he’d tried to tell someone else what happened - that Captain America had tried to kiss another man, would they believe him?

Steve got up from the table, feeling sick to his stomach. “I have to go.”

“Steve,” Peggy began but Steve left the room hurriedly.

He ran into Howard in the hallway, a bright smile on his face. “Steve, my good man. Where are you off to?”

Steve tried a weak smile, “Nowhere. How have you been?”

“Great, just great,” he answered. He started in on an explanation for some chemical agent they could use in the field and Steve did his best to follow along but his mind was elsewhere. “How have you been?” Howard asked, some fifteen minutes later.

“Fine, fine,” Steve replied, feeling the question leave his mouth before he can stop it, “How’s Tony?”

Howard’s face closed off ever so slightly. Enough that Steve took notice and he wondered if Howard about to tell him off. Or worse. “Tony?” he asked. “Right, right, you met. I forgot. He’s fine. He’s off doing god knows what with Jarvis. Some big project.”

“For the army?” Steve asked curiously. Had Tony finally shown someone one of his inventions?

“No,” Howard said dismissively. “Something back home.”

Home.

“Tony went home?” Steve asked, crestfallen. Had he made Tony that uncomfortable?

“For a few weeks,” Howard said distractedly. “To tell you the truth, I’m not sure why I brought him here in the first place.” He waved farewell and left Steve with more questions than he’d had before.

+++++

When Steve saw Tony again, after three agonizingly long weeks, he was shining shoes outside the lab. Tony looked up and then back at his work before standing.

“Steve,” he said cheerfully, running a hand through his hair. Nearly a month had passed and Steve was just as eager to see him again. His mouth worked as though he was keeping a smile down as Tony asked, “How - how are you?”

Steve’s chest tightened; it had been ages since Tony stuttered around him. “Great. I, uh, I wondered where you’d gone.”

Tony’s mouth fell open for a moment before he hurried to answer, averting his eyes. “Yeah, I - there were some things I had to take care of back - back home.” He took a deep breath, wiping at his face and leaving a dark mark on his cheek. “My mother did a lot of charity work so I went back to help with some of that. It’s what she would - what I think she would have wanted.”

Steve felt a rush of calm settle over him, some of the guilt assuaged. “But you’re back now?”

“Looks like it,” Tony said quietly, looking up at Steve shyly.

“Good,” he breathed, smiling at Tony. “I like seeing you around here.”

Tony nodded, flashing a small smile before he started to sit down again. Steve stopped him, reaching out a careful hand and touching his cheek.

“Hold steady for a minute,” he said, pulling out a handkerchief.

He wiped at the line of polish on Tony’s cheek and cleaned it off. Tony’s eyes are wide, focused on Steve’s face with a curious stare. His mouth fell open, breath warm and soft on Steve’s skin as he watched. The soft look in his eye, the brush of his fingers over Tony’s skin made his insides twist in anticipation. Finally, Steve pulled back with a nervous nod, fighting the urge to touch Tony’s cheek and bring their lips together. He’d promised Peggy. He’d promised himself.

But it was so hard when just being around Tony made it hard to focus.

“Duty calls,” Tony said, gesturing to the boot in hand.

Steve cleared his throat, stiffening his spine. “There’s an event tonight.”

“I know,” Tony said with a grim smile.

“You could come,” Steve said and Tony stifled a laugh.

“I can’t, Cap. I’m busy.” A group of soldiers crossed behind Steve and he smiled at them politely. They turned the corner as Tony added, “I’m sure Peg will give you a spin around the dancefloor for me.”

Steve blushed, trying to keep his voice even, “This can wait, Tony.”

Tony set the boot down and crossed his arms over his chest. “I don’t make a habit of explaining my father to other people, especially his friends. I can’t go, Cap. Not because I wasn’t told about it or because I’m busy which is what I tell people. People,” he said with a humorless laugh, “Sorry. The two people that ask about me. I can’t go because he doesn’t want me there.”

He gave Steve a nod and sat back down, “Have fun tonight.”

Steve’s chest tightened as he watched Tony take up the boot again. “Tony-”

“See you around, Blondie.”

+++++

“Tony!” he heard hours later before the door slammed shut. Tony cringed, spinning in circles before he made himself leave the comfort of his room. It never helped if Howard had to go looking for him. He entered the living room to find his father waiting for him.

“What is it?”

“What did you tell Rogers?” he demanded and Tony felt his heart skip a beat.

“Nothing. I - I haven’t really talked to him since I got back.”

Howard shook his head, stalking closer. “Is that so?” His smile was anything but pleasant. “Because he had some delightful things to tell me over lunch today.”

He came closer and, although they were the same height, this close, he reminded Tony of being five years old all over again. “Something about how we’re a team and if the base has an event, everyone should be there. Even the boot shiners.”

“Dad,” Tony began as Howard shoved him backwards. Tony’s heart was pounding, worryingly as it had started to get harder to breathe. “I didn’t say anything.”

Howard shoved him again and pointed towards his room. “Get in there and put on something decent.”

Tony froze, not believing his ears. Was this a trick? A similar thing had happened once when Jan invited him to a birthday party. His father had forbidden him, his mother had fought him on it and, in the end, Tony had been allowed to go. The second he got back, he found that Howard had broken every single one of the toy models in his room. Reward now, punishment later.

“Dad, really, I don’t want to go,” he begged.

“I don’t care. I show up without you, you’ll embarrass me. Get dressed.” He shoved Tony harder towards his room, grumbling when he tripped over his feet and fell. “You’re going to come tonight and keep your damn mouth shut.”

+++++

Steve was nervous.

He wasn’t sure why. He hadn’t intended to talk to Howard about Tony but he’d spotted him in the Cafe and couldn’t refrain from giving him a piece of his mind. He’d marched right over and by the end of it, Howard was flushed and angry. He’d wiped his mouth and said, “Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Captain. I wasn’t aware Tony felt that way and I’ll be sure to take care of it.”

He’d left and Steve felt sure that was that. Now the lights had gone up, the music had started and Steve was nervous.

Peggy laid a hand on his arm with a kind smile, “He’s coming.”

Steve stiffened, his voice cracking, “Bright room with an open doorway.”

Peggy took a sip of her drink, “What are you planning,” she asked lowly and Steve flushed.

“Nothing. I just… I just wanted him to experience this.” He looked around at the soldiers dancing, women laughing with each other as they admired each other’s dancing. The stern serious generals bickering playfully over tankards of beer. Everyone was happy; it was a rarity. “He should see everyone like this for a change.”

Peggy smiled, patting his arm and stepping away. Bucky shuffled up, a gal on his arm. “Steve, this is Helen. Helen, this is Steve.”

She held out a hand, her bright red lips spread in an admiring smile. “Well, I’ll be. I started to doubt James really knew you. Nice to finally meet you.”

Steve smiled, “You, as well. Bucky told me so much about you,” he lied.

She beamed and Bucky spun her away, mouthing “Thank you” as he left.

“He’s a charmer, that one,” Steve heard, his heart skipping a beat as he turned.

Tony stood before him in a suit just a tad too large. It must’ve been one of Howard’s. Even a little too big, Tony looked wonderful in it. The bright red bowtie was crooked and probably worth more than the rent for Steve’s first apartment. He reached out to fix it, carefully so Tony sees it coming. He straightened it and looked up to see Tony shaking his head fondly.

“Perfect,” Steve said and Tony bit down a smile, his eyes glittering in the lights above. Steve’s heart was in his throat, so many sentence starters on his tongue but he can’t make any of them sound.

He couldn’t very well ask Tony to dance. Should he offer him a drink? Introduce him to his friends, although he already knew Peggy. Tony would get a kick out of meeting Angie. She reminded him of Tony in a few ways.

He started to speak up when Howard came up behind Tony, resting his hand on Tony’s shoulder. Tony’s jaw tightened, standing up straighter as Howard greeted him.

“Steve, as you can see, I took your advice.”

Steve nodded, reaching out to shake Howard’s hand. “Nice to see Tony at one of these shindigs.” He looked around at the happy couples, envy burning in his gut. “We don’t get nights like this often.”

“Isn’t that the truth,” Howard said. He gestured towards the back of the room. “There are some people I’d like to introduce you to, if you don’t mind.” He pets Tony’s shoulders and started off.

Steve frowned after him before returning to Tony who had snatched a drink and taken a cautious slip of it. “You okay for a few minutes?”

“I’m socially inept, not twelve. I’ll be okay. Now go, go,” he said and returned to the party. Steve watched him set the drink down on a nearby table and shuffled off.

 

Tony found the room on his own.

He’d heard music and followed the sound of it, wondering if the dancers were rehearsing again. He found himself sliding inside the locker room, the smell of perfume in his nose. It was pleasant and reminded him of Maria’s vanity. She’d had so many colorful glass bottles in so many different shapes. Sometimes, if he caught her before a night out, she’d spritz him with some before she left for the night.

He kept to the walls, averting his eyes lest he catch sight of something he wasn’t supposed to see. Then he saw it.

A genuine Star-Spangled Singer outfit. Complete with the matching hat. He grinned, picking it up and placing it on his head. He can’t resist grabbing the dress and holding it up to himself. He moved over to the nearby mirror for a better look at it. He laughed, spinning to the side as he admired it. He had a great pair of legs. He bet it would look nice on him.

“I bet it would, sweetie,” he heard and dropped the dress, falling back against the lockers. One of the dancers was eying him mischievously as he hurriedly picked up the hat and dress from the floor.

“Sorry,” he said but she waved him off.

“You wanna try it on?” she asked and Tony gaped at her. “I won’t tell anybody. Scout’s honor.”

He blushed, the memory of a fist against his cheek. “I’m good. Sorry to have bothered you.”

“It’s no bother,” she said and sat down on the bench between them. “Marley skipped out on us. The mister doesn’t like it. I told her, I said ‘Marley, you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man that won’t let you perform because he’s afraid some man will snatch you up and make you happier?’ and she said ‘what could be better?’. So, we’re short a dancer now and that makes it my problem because I’m the leader of this little troupe. We lost Bridget last show because she’s having a baby.”

Tony blinked at her, taking in all of the information. “I’m sorry,” he offered.

She smiled at him, pulling a pair of stockings out of the locker and sliding them on, “You’d be perfect. You won’t leave me to be a housewife or take care of a chubby baby, huh?”

Tony laughed, “It’s not in the cards at the moment.”

“You’re hired,” she said with a grin. There was a teasing glint in her eye, “I’ve seen you. You can dance.”

Tony’s cheeks warmed, “I - I’m sorry-”

“Don’t be,” she said, waving off his concern. “You weren’t bothering us. I would’ve invited you in but you ran off every time I tried.”

Tony stared at her in disbelief before he murmured, “I don’t really do your kind of dancing.”

“It’s all the same kind of dancing,” she said and held out a hand, “Nancy McIntyre.”

He took her hand, taking in her bright, red, confident smile. “Tony Stark.” Her smile never wavered and Tony wondered about how that was possible. She didn’t seem to know his father.

She pet his thigh and stood up, pulling her stocking the rest of the way up. He blushed, averting his eyes when her hand fell to his shoulder. “We go on in an hour or so. If you decide to try it on. You don’t have to travel the world with me but it’d be fun, don’t you think?” Her hair flipped over her shoulder as she winked at him, “and the world could use a lot more of that.”

 

When Tony left the locker room, he found his father waiting for him. Freezing, he watched Howard take notice of him and the room he’d left. He was stuck in place, remembering silk sliding along his thighs and blackness afterwards. His words get stuck in his throat.

“What were you doing in there?”

"Nothing - nothing. I was just talking,” he said.

“You get back out there where I told you to be. I don’t have time to keep following you around.”

“No one told you to,” Tony said and he wasn’t really sure why. He thought back to Nancy and the easy way she spoke and tried to bottle some of that confidence for himself. “I’m not a child. I can be away from your line of sight for a minute.”

“I don’t keep you locked up,” Howard said and Tony genuinely worried he might have been dreaming because Howard sounded genuinely concerned. His eyes were wide and unseeing, gazing at Tony as though he was seeing someone else entirely.

“You keep me in the lab or in our quarters. I can meet people,” Tony insisted. “Other people can know who I am.”

“Other people? You meet someone in there who’s giving you ideas?” he asked and Tony cringed. “That why you came tonight? Cap helping you hook up with some dame?”

It was rare for Howard to get something so entirely wrong. “No, I just - it was a wrong door.”

“I’ll bet,” Howard said dismissively. “What would you do with a woman?”

Tony lowered his head, biting his tongue. “I don’t know, Dad.”

Howard took his shoulder and walked him down the hallway. “You’re going to get out there and you’re going to act like a man. You wonder why I don’t introduce my friends to you? It’s because of this. Maybe I should have left you in there.”

“Maybe you should have,” Tony said firmly and Howard stopped. Tony closed his eyes, his heart pounding as he heard his father’s breathing grow labored. He smelled gin in the air and braced himself but then he took note of the anger burning within him.

Tony was furious.

Act like a man.

He’d heard that all his life and what did it matter? No matter how much he bit his tongue, followed Howard’s every order and hid himself away. It never made any difference. Act like a man, go off to war. Act like a man, build weapons. Act like a man, make your father proud.

What did Howard know about being a man? “Go on, Dad. I’ll be fine.”

Howard’s fist clenched, “What are you saying?” He pointed down the hall, “Get out there and stop embarrassing me!”

“I can’t do that, sorry,” Tony said and then stopped himself. “No, you know what? I’m not sorry. All my life, you’ve told me to act like a man but how would you know? Real men aren’t hypocrites. Real men aren’t afraid of what other men think. Real men don’t hit their sons.”

Howard stared at him, his jaw tense. “I’m done,” Tony said.

“Think about what you’re doing, boy,” Howard warned and Tony remembered when that tone alone used to send fear through him. “You’re alone. You’ve got nowhere else to go.”

“Maybe,” Tony said quietly.

Howard leaned in and Tony remember when he used to tower over him. Now, he seemed smaller than Tony. “I’m not going to say it again-”

“No need,” Tony said, stepping back, breathing clearer than he ever had before. “I’m done. Tell Ste- tell Cap that something came up. Have fun.”

Howard stepped forward, freezing when he heard the sound of heels clicking on the tile floor. When he turned back, Tony was gone.

 

“You’re sulking now,” Peggy said with a mocking pout as Steve slumped down in his chair.

He’d lost Tony about an hour ago and now he was resigned to what a horrible idea this had been. Why had he assumed Howard was the only obstacle here? He hadn’t really spoken to Tony about what happened in the lab. Every time he’d thought about seeking him out to apologize, the words had gotten stuck in his throat. Maybe Tony was avoiding him because he didn’t want to be around him.

“Next time I’m about to do something stupid, warn me,” he said and Peggy laughed. She kissed his cheek.

“No can do. I can’t follow you everywhere.”

The curtains were going up and the crowd hushed. It was always a little surreal being in the audience for these shows and not being a part of them. Sometimes, Steve found himself counting down until the Cap look alike joined the stage. Even though Steve wouldn’t trade his new job for his old one, he’d missed how it felt to bring cheer to the audience.

The song started and he was vaguely paying attention before Peggy muffled a scream and started hitting his shoulder. He turned to her confusedly, “What is it?”

Peggy was wide eyed, glued to the stage as she covered her mouth. Steve followed her line of sight and it took a moment for him to process what he was looking at. When it set in, his heart nearly stopped.

Tony was up there.

Third dancer from the right, face painted and dressed the same as the other dancers. His hair was coiffed, his lips a bright red as he followed along to Steve’s shock. He looked wonderful, appearing to glow from within. As close as they were to the stage, Steve could see how bright Tony’s eyes were as he swayed and swept his legs. They drew in line for the kicks and Steve felt his heart drop into his stomach.

There was no way, it was indecent. It was… the same routine Steve had seen them perform countless times. The new captain, Johnny, took the stage and took a turn spinning all of the dancers, including Tony.

Steve’s cheeks burned as he watched the “Captain” grin at Tony, his eyes caught on Tony’s light blush. Then Tony leaned in and laid a teasing kiss on the Captain’s cheek, laughing as Johnny pretended to swoon.

Steve’s stomach twisted violently, bile rising in his throat.

Was this about him?

His eyes warmed, the shame near overwhelming as he listening to the audience laugh and cheer on the “Captain’s” antics. His heart beat faster, imagining Tony laughing at him from above.

How stupid had he been?

Steve stood, his heart in his throat as his feet carried him towards the stage. “Steve,” Peggy began, grabbing her bag and following after him. “Think about what you’re doing here.”

Steve shook his head, sliding through the crowd.

 

The girls left the stage in a rush, hurrying to change because they’d started late. One of the girls, Margie, winked at Steve on their way out. When Tony got to the steps, Steve moved forward. Tony was breathless, face flushed, blood singing with adrenaline. It took a moment for him to recognize Steve, warming as he watched Steve’s eyes hungrily eat of every inch of his bare skin. Then Steve’s face fell and Tony felt wounded.

“Tony?” he asked somberly as Peggy stepped forward, pulling Tony into a hug.

He buried his face in her shoulder, squeezing her tight before pulling back. “You were brilliant,” she whispered, pressing her forehead to his. “Just wonderful. I didn’t know you could dance.”

“I can’t,” he replied wryly and Peggy laughed.

“Much better than Captain Two Left Feet,” she murmured. Then she stepped back and gave them some time alone.

Tony wringed his hands together, eying Steve cautiously, “Hi.”

“What the hell was that?” Steve asked, his voice low. Tony froze, not understanding.

“Excuse me?”

“I waited for you. I looked everywhere for you but you were nowhere to be found.”

Tony’s brow furrowed as he crossed his arms over his chest. This close, Steve could see he was wearing eyeliner. His lashes were even fuller than usual, the mascara making them more prominent. He watched Steve admire it for a moment before Tony continued, “I told my father to tell you something came up.”

“I can see that,” he said, gesturing to the outfit. “Was this some elaborate way to turn me down? Because I - because I tried to,” he swallowed.

“What are you trying to ask me?” Tony asked, his voice raising. “You can’t even say it, can you? You tried to kiss me, Steve.”

Steve shifted nervously, his hands clammy and clenched painfully tight. “You won’t talk about it and I gotta wonder if you felt pressured or something and I-”

“Why would I go to all this trouble just to turn you down?” He stepped in closer, staring at Steve intently. “Are you joking?”

Steve stared at him, starting to realize how much he’d misunderstood this situation. He closed his eyes, cheeks burning in shame. “Tony, I’m sorry. I - I don’t know what I was thinking-”

“You’re unbelievable,” Tony said slowly. “You and him. Everything I do reflects poorly on you. Everything is about you. I can’t believe I thought you were different.”

He turned to walk the hallway towards the locker room. Steve followed and covered his face hastily at the first flash of another woman’s skirt.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” he stuttered, hearing giggling and cheers around him. His mother would be ashamed. He should stay outside but he had to smooth this over with Tony. “I’m coming in. I’ve got my eyes covered,” he shouted and followed the sound of Tony’s gait.

He stopped when Tony came to a stop and saw him pulling the halter top down. His leg was propped up on the bench and Steve’s flushed. He’d never seen this much of Tony’s skin; it was overwhelming. He forgot himself for a moment as his eyes landed on creamy thighs and his tongue tied itself in knots.

“I did this for me. It had nothing to do with you or - or with him. Is that so hard for you to believe?” he asked and Steve met his eyes. Tony was furious, angrier than Steve had ever seen and he felt like a real heel. Tony had been so happy up there on stage and Steve had ruined that.

“Tony, I’m sorry-”

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave, mister.” Steve heard and he turned around to see a dancer in her bra and undergarments. Steve flushed and covered his eyes. “Mister?” she demanded and Steve nodded.

“I was just talking to my friend.”

“By the looks of things, he’s not your friend. The door,” she said and Steve slid his hands down to see her pointing out the exit. She wasn’t going to wait any longer. Steve turned back to Tony who was sitting, arms crossed on the bench and staring at the lockers.

Steve sighed, “Tony, I’ll be waiting outside, okay?” Tony paid him no attention.

That was the last time Steve saw Tony Stark.

 

Chapter Five


Tony could hear the crowd screaming from where he stood in the locker room.

He changed on his own in a stall wherever possible. Not out of modesty; the girls had gotten used to having him around and didn’t shy away from walking around naked in front of him. Not even Mary, who’d been raised in a church. But, then again, she too had run away to become a dancer.

It had been a few weeks since he’d left the base and he hadn’t left without a few remnants of his father.

“That’s healed up nicely, doll,” he heard and tensed at first. Soft fingertips traced the curve of his back and carefully slid the zipper down. Only Nancy knew. “I sure wish you’d tell me who did this to you.”

“It’s nothing,” he said, continuing to get undressed. He could feel her eyes on him and he sighed, “Nancy-“

“Was it Blondie?” she asked and Tony stiffened at the name. “He seemed mighty upset with you after the show.”

“Anyone would be upset. I’m a man in a dress,” he said, pulling a t-shirt over his head.

He imagined the look on Howard’s face should he find out his son had left to be a dancer. The child in him was terrified but he was proud to have finally made the decision to leave. It wasn’t what he’d had in mind for himself when he was coming up but he had no regrets. He was welcome here; no one had any expectations of him and no one treated him any different from the other dancers.

He liked it here.

“Sweetheart, he’s gone now. What do you have to lose?” she asked, coming around the bench to gaze at him imploringly. She had large, green doe eyes framed by long, beautiful lashes. The kind perfectly poised to make Tony feel the pull, the desire to talk to her and lay down his burdens at her feet.

But he’d found a little piece of paradise here and he didn’t want to risk it.

He didn’t want the others to look at him with sympathy or let his past mar his time here. He wasn’t that scared little boy anymore. He had carved out a new life for himself.

Nancy had come up in a place Tony was terrified to know about. She’d caught sight of Tony’s bruises when she’d helped him into Marley’s dress and hadn’t bat an eye, except to say that she had some powder that could cover them up. She’d taken him in and given him a place to belong, even if he didn’t want to dance. It had been a split decision to climb on stage that night and he didn’t regret it.

“It wasn’t him,” Tony said. He scratched at his brow, his stomach tightening as he remembered the awed look on Steve’s face.

Then the pain on his face immediately after. Tony had been angry with Steve but the more time had passed, the more he understood that Steve’s anger hadn’t been about him; it had been his own inner demons. It hurt to realize Steve thought him capable of doing something so cruel.

“He would never hurt me like that,” Tony added.

Nancy eyed him carefully for a good while before she nodded. “Okay, well, get ready. We leave in ten.”

+++++

Life after Howard was different.

He’d left with the girls that night after his fight with Steve. He’d left nearly everything behind. There hadn’t been time to grab more than a bag of clothes and a picture of Maria. He’d left a hastily written note for Jarvis, sending a longer letter the first chance he got. He left word for Peggy and a small note for Steve. He missed them terribly, but he was happy here.

City to city, seven in as many days. They rarely stayed anywhere for long. He’d been on the road for the better part of a year now and Tony had never been so far from home. He’d met so any new and interesting people, so many different languages swimming around him, tried so many new types of foods.

It was miraculous how easy it was to hide when Lynette did his makeup and Nancy curled his hair. Men held doors for him, pulled out chairs, treated him with warm looks and never so much as raised their voices to him. Some days, he went out with his hair pulled back to feel how different everything was in contrast. Nancy liked to go with him when he did that, her arm hooked in his.

“Is it always like this?” he asked in jeans and bomber jacket. She grinned, her head cocked to the side.

“You like this better?”

She grabbed them two coffees and followed him back to the hotel. They moved to the balcony looking out over Paris. He’d always dreamed of seeing the Eiffel Tower; of seeing more than the United States in general. He never thought it would actually happen.

“It’s not better; just different,” Tony replied, sipping his coffee. “As much as I love our costumes, I’m much more comfortable on the ground than in heels.”

Nancy sipped her coffee, offering him a wink. “Speak for yourself. I like towering over everyone.”

She laid her head on his shoulder as they admired the view, a soft breeze on his face. “My mother would have loved it here. I wonder if she ever made it this far.”

“I hope so, doll. Do you take after her?”

Tony laughed humorlessly, “I wish. No, I take after my father.”

“Must be a looker,” she said. She straightened after some time, “We have a show in a few hours.”

Tony felt that familiar excitement set in, “I’ll be ready.”

Nancy nodded with a knowing grin, “I know you will.” Then she added, “If I see Johnny sneak into your room again, we’ll have to have words.”

Tony blushed, calming at the casual way she spoke, “He’s determined to find out my secret.”

“He’s braindead. You can do better, darling.”

“He’s just a little slow on the uptake,” he said.

He didn’t mention that he’d wondered if Johnny didn’t want to know the truth. He’d taken to Tony after making his way through half the troupe. Tony appeared to be the only one to turn him down and it seemed Johnny loved a challenge.

“I’ll bet,” Nancy said slyly. “But you like blonds.”

Tony bumped her hip with his own. “Nancy,” he chided.

“Be careful,” she said and Tony dropped a kiss on her head.

“I always am.”

+++++

Life after Tony was hard.

Steve had waited outside the locker room until it became clear Tony wasn’t coming. The USO troupe left on a red eye to California that night. Steve had assumed he’d see Tony in the morning. It wasn’t until a week passed without word that he realized Tony wasn’t coming. Howard demanded to know if Tony had said anything to Steve or Peggy about where he was going and Steve answered honestly. Tony hadn’t told him where he was going and, no, Steve didn’t know where he’d gone.

Those first few months of radio silence had been hard on Steve. He’d worried that something had happened. That he’d run away and gotten himself into trouble. That he’d been so upset with Steve that he’d left that night and gotten hurt somehow. That someone had taken Tony to get to Howard. Or to Steve.

A few months after that USO show, Steve found himself trapped in a hotel in German waiting out a storm when the letter finally reached him. It was a torn fragment, clearly ripped off of a longer letter.

“Steve, I had to go. I wish we had a longer goodbye. Take care. – T”

That was all he’d written.

It left Steve more bereft than comforted but it quieted a lot of his fears. Tony was okay. He hadn’t been hurt or killed. He’d simply left his home because of Steve. Because Steve clearly didn’t understand how to keep anything good in his life.

He tucked the note in his duffle along with the pictures of his mother and his old sketchbook. It was now filled with half completed sketches of dark eyes and sad smiles. He found himself halfway through drawing Tony’s legs several nights before he stopped himself. He dreamed of Tony’s smiles, his confidence that night on stage, the way he spread his legs brazenly and moved along to the music.

One lonely night when it was dark out and the others were asleep in their bed rolls, his hand made its way into his briefs. He closed his eyes, imagining the small of Tony’s back, his form covered in Steve’s colors. He bit down on his lip, imagining his heat as Steve cradled him close.

He groaned softly, stroking himself quick and needy, mindless to the world around him. It was easy enough to imagine those bright eyes staring into his, a mischievous glint in Tony’s eye as he climbed atop and took Steve in hand. He stifled a whine, his hand quickening. Tony had always been so good with his hands; so sure of himself. Steve felt the heat pooling in his stomach reach a fever pitch, his hips bucking of their own accord.

“Tony,” he murmured into his pillow, pressing his cheek to it as he imagined creamy thighs spread for him, a wicked red grin as Tony reached for him. His lips soft, plump and so, so close. Steve could nearly taste him, the scent of perfume and oil in his nose.

It hit him like a punch to the gut and Steve was arching, coming white along his stomach and the inside of his bed clothes, Tony’s name on his tongue.

A scrap.

That was all Steve had left along with a memory.

+++++

“Lights out at ten, Tony,” Nancy said with a careful stare. Her brows rose as Johnny got up to follow Tony out. Tony waved her on, smiling confidently.

He unlocked the door to his room and sighed as Johnny leaned against the doorway, a pout on his face.

“You are persistent,” he said as Johnny grinned smugly.

He continued with the puppy dog eyes until Tony sighed and opened the door to let him in.

Tony moved over to the bar, his hands nervous, “You want a drink?”

“If you’ve got one. I really just came for the company,” he said and Tony stifled a laugh. Johnny gazed at him curiously, “What?”

“You just have lines at the ready, don’t you?” When Johnny started to object, Tony headed him off. “No, no, I just envy you a bit.”

“That’s a first for me,” Johnny said, accepting the glass of gin.

Tony didn’t make a drink for himself, instead sitting on the arm of the couch. He was still in costume, his thighs rather bare as Johnny drank and took him in. This had gone on long enough and Tony was ready to put an end to it. He was fairly sure Nancy wouldn’t let Johnny make a big deal out of it.

He waited for Johnny to finish before he took the glass and set it aside. He took a deep breath, “Listen, Johnny,” he began. But then Johnny stood and came to stand in front of Tony, his hands on either side of him as he leaned in. His eyes were heavy lidded, tongue swiping over his lips. Tony’s heart ticked up a beat, swallowing as he forced himself to speak

“Wait, you’re gonna wanna hear this.” Johnny waited, eying him curiously. “I’m not – I’m not a woman.”

“I know,” Johnny said confusedly. His head cocked to the side, “How dumb do you think I am?”

Tony stared at him but his face never gave anything away. Finally, Tony choked out a laugh, covering his mouth. “You knew?”

“Yeah, of course I knew.” He paused, leaning back a little more. “Wait a second – does everyone think I don’t know?” He stepped back, clearly insulted. “They really think I’m that stupid?” Now, he was sincerely pouting and it was kind of cute.

“Don’t be mad. We just thought, if you knew, you would’ve thrown a fit about it.” Johnny turned to him and Tony was surprised to find the annoyance he saw there didn’t scare him. Johnny was just Johnny. He was one of the good ones.

He leaned in, reaching out a broad hand to cup Tony’s hip. “Why would I do that?”

He moved slowly, pressing a kiss to Tony’s neck as he stroked his hip. Tony sucked in a quiet breath, the heat of Johnny’s body seeping into his skin. It felt nice; strange and entirely new to him. He still wasn’t all that used to others touching him. Soft lips brushed his skin as Johnny marked his neck and dipped down to his collar. He laid a playful kiss over Tony’s Adam’s apple with a soft sigh.

Then he pulled back to unfasten Tony’s halter top. When he looked to Tony, his eyes were wide, blue and honest.

So much like Steve’s.

Tony swallowed past the knot in his throat as Johnny spoke, “You really are beautiful.”

Tony’s face warmed, eyes falling to Johnny’s mouth and then his chin in uncertainty, “I’m not.”

“You are,” Johnny insisted. He thumbed Tony’s hip carefully. “Can we take this back to the bedroom?” he asked and Tony had never done this before but he trusted Johnny.

He nodded, taking Johnny’s hand and letting himself be led to the back.

Johnny laid him down gently on the bed, his eyes eating up every inch of Tony’s exposed skin. Sometimes, Tony found the looks he attracted from men a little daunting. For one, they thought he was something he wasn’t, for two, he wasn’t used to anyone looking at him with desire and for three, he wasn’t used to anyone looking at him at all. But with Johnny, he felt daring . It was something outside of his comfort zone and it was something Howard would’ve absolutely disapproved of.

The look in Johnny’s eyes made him feel good .

Almost like being with Steve used to feel.

Johnny pulled the halter top down and Tony shivered, waiting as he watched a small line appear between Johnny’s brows. He stroked his palm down Tony’s chest, careful and hesitant. “How?”

Tony chewed on his lip, watching Johnny take in the scars Tony refused to look at. “Heart defect. I still have difficulties. Earned me a 4F so… here I am.”

Johnny nodded, lowering his mouth over the center of his chest. He smoothly slid up Tony’s skirt, his hands knowing as Tony tried to keep still. He pulled at Tony’s stocking and Tony felt his heart rate tick up.

“You sure about this?” he asked as Johnny spread his legs.

“I’m sure,” Johnny said with a smile.

He leaned over and kissed the inside of Tony’s thigh. Smiling when Tony shivered, he looked up at him, his eyes bright in the low lighting. For a moment, just a brief second, Tony saw Steve staring down at him with soft eyes.

Then the moment passed and it was Johnny. Simple, fun and harmless Johnny.

Tony reached up and pulled him down, closing his eyes.

+++++

When Steve lost Bucky, nothing felt real.

Despite where the generals sent him, Bucky was his constant, his partner, his right-hand man. The few times they were separated, he’d always known where Bucky was. They communicated wordlessly in the field and, aside from Tony, no one teased him as much as Bucky had. He was the only Commando that looked at Steve like he was the same scrawny kid from his neighborhood and he’d looked after Steve like they were blood brothers.

Which was why it hurt Steve so badly that he couldn’t do the same for Bucky.

Watching him fall had been the hardest thing Steve had ever done. It felt like a piece of his heart had been ripped away from him and he watched it all in a haze, immobile.

Steve had wanted nothing more than to get out there and chase down Schmidt and his men but Peggy was right. It wouldn’t do any good and he had a squad full of men that needed him. Bucky had died but the war didn’t stop. Steve needed to lead and he needed to honor Bucky’s last mission.

He climbed into bed that night and recounted Bucky’s last moments over and over again. One feeling kept reoccurring: guilt.

He’d wanted so badly to be beside Bucky on the battlefield. To be a soldier alongside his best friend, his brother. And he’d spend so much of that time busy with diplomacy, strategy meetings or with Tony. Bucky never complained; in fact, he’d been glad to see other people recognizing Steve for his talents but that didn’t change the fact that they hadn’t been as close as they’d been before.

He was reminded of Tony’s words to him that night in the med bay when they’d fought. Any one of them could die at any moment, whether it be in a plane crash or an attack on the base for all he knew. Steve had always known that but now, it felt real.

+++++

Tony woke up to soft fingers trailing over his bare chest. He smiled, opening his eyes to see Johnny smiling down at him. They’d been sleeping together for a month or so now. The troupe teased Tony mercilessly about it; even more now that they knew Johnny knew the truth. Nancy didn’t’ seem on board with the idea but she kept her mouth shut. Tony was happy so she was happy, she’d said.

“Did you get any sleep?” Tony asked quietly and Johnny shrugged. He reached down and took hold of Tony’s calf, kissing the inside of his thigh as he tapped Tony’s foot lightly.

“Your toes are pink,” he said and Tony grinned.

“Mary and Lynette got bored.” He raised his foot high in the air, “You like them?”

Johnny eyed Tony for a moment before snatching his foot and kissing the top of it. Tony squirmed, “Quit it,” he said as Johnny kissed him twice more.

“What?” Johnny asked innocently, his fingers trailing teasingly over the underside of Tony’s foot. Tony laughed and tried to twist out of his grip. “You asked me if I liked it,” Johnny said, leaning in and wrapping his arms around Tony. He kissed the side of his face, burying a laugh in Tony’s shoulder. Tony warmed, stroking Johnny’s back. “I think it’s pretty.”

“Thank you,” Tony replied softly, meeting Johnny’s eyes. They were hesitant, as though he was choosing his words carefully.

“You like being pretty,” Johnny whispered and Tony eyed him curiously.

“Sometimes,” he answered truthfully.

Johnny lowered his eyes to Tony’s mouth before laying his cheek on Tony’s shoulder. “When I was eight, I tried on one of my sister’s dresses. It was blue with little bows for buttons. I looked just like her.”

Tony carded his fingers through Johnny’s hair, humming quietly, “And?”

“It was nice,” Johnny answered. He breathed in deep, deeper still and just when Tony thought he’d fallen asleep, he added, “You’d look better in red.”

Tony laughed, nodding as he murmured, “Noted.”

+++++

The next show was in Berlin and Tony thought nothing of that until Nancy took him aside the night before. There was to be a special guest that night.

“Captain America?” LeAnn asked, stars in her eyes. She was new to the troupe and this would be the first time they’d be performing anywhere close to where the living legend would be. He didn’t attend shows, they knew that but they’d ben in the same country, the same city.

Tony would be closer to Steve than he’d been in over a year.

He nearly hyperventilated backstage. Johnny and Nancy tried to calm him down. “Tony, you don’t have to go on,” Nancy said fervently, her green eyes fierce and stern.

“I’ve performed every show since I joined. Even the night I had a hundred-degree fever,” he said and Nancy frowned in response.

“And I’ll tell you the same thing I told you then: you’re worth more to me happy. I don’t know why you’re freaking out and I don’t care. You’re hurting my best friend by forcing yourself to go out there.” She leaned in and kissed the top of his head. “Please take care of yourself.”

Tony watched her leave and continue to get ready, his heart pounding. Johnny was watching from the side, his voice low, “It’s him, isn’t it?” His eyes were guarded, his shoulders tense as though he was holding himself in place.

Tony nodded, “Yeah.”

“Okay,” Johnny said, pushing off the wall and pacing. “I’m not going to fight him. Unless you want me to,” he added. “I could take him.”

It was then that Tony remembered Johnny knew Tony had been close to a soldier. But he hadn’t known it was the soldier.

He smiled, “He’s Captain America.” Johnny sputtered, his eyes wide in disbelief.

“You’re joking!”

“I’m not,” he said, starting to calm as he watched Johnny pace. “There’s nothing to fight over. I loved him and then I left. He’s Mr. Perfect. Way out of my league.”

Johnny looked to him doubtfully, coming to kneel before him. “You’re sure?”

“Definitely. Now, help me get dressed.”

 

 

Steve didn’t come to these anymore. The last one had killed his taste for them but Peggy had insisted. He hadn’t gone anywhere, really since Bucky died. But, as far as Peggy was concerned, six months of wallowing wasn’t healthy. Plus, Steve had vowed to spend more time with his team and if that meant going to a USO show, he would go. He let Morita pull him to the front row and tried to muster a smile as the curtains went up.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve got a special treat for you tonight. Captain America is in the audience and the girls have prepared a special show for our Star-Spangled Man.” Steve flushed, looking to Morita who smiled innocently.

The music started up and the girls came out on stage. One by one, they all curtsied and posed in a line. Then a redhead came out and dropped a bouquet of flowers in his lap. She seemed familiar and Steve stared at her for a moment before she joined the line and the show started. Steve watched, paying attention for the first time in a long time and they’d certainly changed up the routine.

Instead of a line of kicks, they formed a diamond and one by one, the dancers came through the center. The last one, a brunette with strong arms and even stronger thighs moved through the center and Steve’s breath caught, his heart beating fast in his chest.

His mouth went dry as his eyes traced the lines of their arms, their bare legs, the garters and heels. He watched Cap, Johnny, pulled the dancer into his arms and dipped them with a deep kiss. Steve stared, his heart in his throat.

He was frozen in place, still seated as the music ended and the crowd stood to applaud. The girls bowed and left the stage. Steve got to his feet in a daze, unseeing of the crowd around him as he made his way backstage. His heart beat loud in his ears, his eyes warming as he chased the brunette.

He slipped behind the backstage area, a knot in his throat as he followed the sound of the dancers’ chatter. He entered the dressing room, his feet carrying him forward as his stomach tightened in fear and adrenaline. When he rounded the corner, he saw a creamy thigh propped up on the bench. His eyes trailed up from the heel to the hem of the skirt. He forced his eyes upward, almost disbelieving.

But he’d been right. He’d known it in his gut.

“Tony?” he asked, his voice hoarse.

Tony looked up, his eyes wide. They were as bright as Steve remembered, shimmering brown and rimmed in kohl.

Just as beautiful as I remembered.

His bright red lips opened in surprise. “Steve,” he said quietly, pulling his foot off the bench.

He took a hesitant step forward, his hand curling softly at his thigh, as if refraining from reaching out. Steve swallowed, his throat tight as a tear rolled down his cheek. Tony bit his lip, brow furrowing as Steve studied every inch of his face avidly, his stomach twisting as he held himself still. Tony found his resolve, rushing forward and pulling into a hug.

Steve took him into his arms, holding him tight. His hand came up to cup the back of Tony’s head as he buried his face in Tony’s hair. “I’m so glad you’re okay,” he breathed in relief. “Thank god.”

Tony muffled a soft laugh in his shoulder, “I’m fine. I’m good.” He squeezed back as he spoke, “It’s so good to see you. Did you get my letter?”

Steve pulled back, looking Tony in the eye, “When you left, I didn’t – we all thought – we didn’t know what happened to you. I thought – I thought you were upset with me.”

Tony nodded, a wry smile on his face. “I was.” Steve’s face fell, averting his eyes as Tony hurried to add, “But, I didn’t leave because of you. I wanted to do something new with my life. I wanted to see the world. I didn’t think I’d do this but I don’t have any regrets. I… I really like it here, Steve.”

Steve smiled, even as his chest ached. “That’s great. I’m really happy to hear that, Tony.”

Tony studied at him as he asked, “And you? How have you been? How are Peggy and Bucky?”

Steve lowered his eyes, his voice rough, “Peggy’s great. She and Angie are back at the base. Peg runs missions from there and sometimes she goes out in the field. She leads more men than we started with so, that’s something. And Bucky,” his voice broke. He looked up, “Bucky… I lost him. A while back.”

Tony laid a hand on his shoulder, “Oh no, I’m sorry to hear that.” He pulled Steve into a tight hug, the scent of perfume in his nose. Steve held him close, shivering as Tony rubbed his back and murmured, “I’m really sorry, sweetheart.”

Steve touched his back, “Thank you.”

He started to say more when a blond head popped in. He watched as Johnny approached, wiping his hands on his uniform pants before reaching out.

“Johnny Storm,” he said. “I don’t believe we had a chance to meet.”

Steve wiped at his face, reluctant to pull away from Tony but he wasn’t rude. He took Johnny’s hand and gave it a firm shake, watching curiously as Johnny assessed him guardedly. “Steve Rogers,” he said.

“Nice to meet you,” Johnny replied and Steve was suddenly aware that Tony was wearing a women’s costume. But, by the looks of things, Johnny already knew. “I’ve never met a legend before.”

“Johnny,” Tony chided, moving in and pushing the blond towards the doorway. “I’ll get him to sign your helmet later.”

“Yeah?” Johnny asked, his eyes hopeful as they landed on Tony. Suddenly, Steve was irrelevant as they spoke in hushed tones. Steve couldn’t quite pinpoint what was off about this moment until he saw Johnny’s hand on the small of Tony’s back. “I’ll be outside,” Johnny said and waved farewell to Steve.

Steve watched him go, a theory forming in the back of his mind. Tony turned back to him, still smiling. He had an easy way about him now. He seemed calmer and he hadn’t stuttered once. “Tony, if you have time, could we meet up and talk for a minute? Catch up?” Steve asked hopefully.

Tony’s eyes widened before he shook his head regretfully, “I’m sorry. We have to leave first thing in the morning.”

Steve nodded, his eyes lowering to the bench. “I understand.”

It was quiet and Tony moved into his space, his eyes softening. “I’ll see what I can do, okay?” His eyes were open and honest and Steve felt like he was back in the lab with Tony, falling further into trouble.

He swallowed, forcing himself to keep his distance. He crossed his arms, holding tight to his jacket even as he felt the increasing need to hold on to Tony and never let him go. “I really missed you,” he added quietly. “It was… hard after you left.”

Tony’s brows furrowed, “I missed you, too,” he said softly. “I’ll see you later.”

A few hours later, Steve paced his hotel room, going over their conversation in his mind. Part of him was sure Tony was coming and the other part was sure Tony had only said that to get Steve out of the room. He remembered the life of a performer: some cities they stayed for a week or so and others, they were on the next bus or train or plane within hours. He didn’t know where they were headed next but Tony had seemed a little stressed.

“He’s not coming,” he muttered to himself, running a hand over his hair and pacing further.

He didn’t really know what he expected from this meeting. He wanted to clear the air and to make sure Tony was okay. Make sure he knew that, should he want to return to the base, Steve wouldn’t bother him there. He would give Tony wide berth for the rest of his days if that’s what Tony needed – what he wanted .

Steve supposed, he just wanted Tony to know that.

He sat down after some time and waited, opening and closing his sketchbook as he did. An hour or so passed and then there was a knock at the door. Steve nearly tripped over his own feet hurrying to it, opening the door to find Tony on the other end. His hair was pulled back from his face, eyes still lined in kohl. He was wearing slacks and a t-shirt, a little worn by the looks of it. No matter… he looked beautiful.

“You came,” Steve said rather dumbly and Tony’s mouth turned up in the corner. That same humoring look he used to give Steve all the time. His chest tightened and he willed himself not to make a fool of himself while Tony was here.

“I did. And if Nancy asks, this was your idea.”

Steve closed the door behind him and lead Tony into the room. Tony studied everything before moving over to the table. Steve flushed beet red as Tony picked up the sketchbook. He opened it and Steve felt his insides melt.

“Uh, you don’t want to look at that,” he said, hurrying over to take it before Tony saw the less than innocent drawings inside. Tony shot him a curious look but released it and took a seat on the couch.

He closed his eyes, his breathing slowing as Steve sat down beside him. Steve still couldn’t quite believe he was here. Not only because Tony had run away to become a dancer; hiding in plain sight. But because, after what happened between them, Steve wouldn’t have been surprised if Tony decided he never wanted to see Steve again.

“You said you wanted to talk?” Tony asked.

“Yeah, I… I,” Steve clenched his eyes shut and tried to force the words out. “I had so many things to say to you after we fought. About how sorry I was and how I shouldn’t have reacted like that and… I blamed myself for you leaving.”

Tony opened his eyes and turned to look Steve in the eye. “I didn’t leave because of you.”

Steve let out a shuddering breath, “I know you said that but-“

“I left because my father was beating the hell out of me every night,” he said plainly. Steve’s breath caught, eyes wide with horror. For a second, he thought Tony must’ve been joking but he was holding Steve’s gaze carefully, his breathing steady and normal.

Bile rose in his throat, “Tony,” he said, words leaving him between one breath and the next. “How – I – I didn’t know.”

“Of course, you didn’t,” Tony said somberly. “He usually didn’t go for the face and I was usually good at hiding it.”

Steve thought back to the stitches, the bruises on Tony’s stomach and the way he’d flinched every time someone reached for him. Steve returned to Tony’s face to see him watching Steve carefully. Almost as though he wasn’t sure Steve would believe him.

Anger burned within him as he said, “I’m sorry.”

Tony’s eyes widened ever so slightly before he averted them, “Not your fault.” He closed his eyes and said, “Not my fault, either.”

Steve reached out for his hand, fighting his nerves as he took hold of it. It was soft, more delicate than Steve expected. Then again, it had probably been a while since he’d handled tools.

“You’re really okay?”

“I’m great, Cap,” he said and opened his eyes with a smile. His eyes crinkled in the corners, the joy within them making Steve feel warm inside. He couldn’t remember ever seeing Tony so happy. “I like it with the USO. They treat me well.”

And what more could Steve ask?

When Tony stood up to leave, Steve pulled out an envelope from the back of his sketchbook. “A letter?” Tony asked cautiously and Steve wasn’t sure how that made him feel.

“No, I’ve… never been too good with words.” He handed it over, their fingers brushing and it brought a flush to Steve’s face. “Don’t look at it until you’re on your way to the next show.”

“Why?” Tony asked teasingly and it was so familiar and fond, it left Steve feeling off kilter all over again.

“Trust me,” he said and Tony shook his head.

“Sure thing, handsome.”

+++++

Tony unfolded it on the bus ride to Lyon.

He burst out laughing and nearly woke everyone in the front of the bus. Nancy came over, sitting next to him with a curious look. “What is it?”

Tony showed her the comic strip, “He was right. It’s better than Blondie.”

“He draw this?” Nancy asked, looking at the comic strip with interest.

“He couldn’t send me a copy,” Tony replied fondly.

+++++

Steve got another scrap when he returned from Berlin. Jarvis handed it to him with a thin smile, “Captain Rogers. I have already taken my portion. This is for you.”

Steve took it back to his room and read it over and read it again, a smile on his face. The first in quite some time.

“ Send me more. This is good, but it’s a little short, don’t you think? – Tony. P.S., I forgot to ask you to sign Johnny’s helmet, so I forged it. Hope that’s okay.”

Steve placed it next to the previous note and pulled out his sketchbook.